


Ashes

by PL600 (succulentrat)



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: F/M, Solas/Original Female Character - Freeform, Varric Tethras/Original Female Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-09
Updated: 2020-04-25
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:21:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 26,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23565973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/succulentrat/pseuds/PL600
Summary: Valora Assanius is a mage from Tevinter with a dark past and a curse that only a slight handful of people know about. Since living in Val Royeaux beneath Vivienne de Fer she has tried to cope with the aftermath of leaving home. Upon joining the Inquisition, she is reuinited with her friend and confidante, Dorian Pavus. What she did not plan for was that she would be attempting to come to terms with her life and feelings, especially those for a certain ex-templar...
Relationships: Cullen Rutherford/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 2





	1. Chapter 1

“Dorian?”

The young man looked at me upon hearing his name. I hadn’t seen him in years. The last time I had seen him was when he helped me leave the Imperium to go join my brother in Val Royeaux. That must have been just a little over five years ago. It was strange, really; I had been asked to join the Inquisition, only after getting a recommendation from the Knight-Enchanter. She had reached out to join herself, but Lavellan didn’t want the backing of the Circles of Magi. In the end, she sent me in her stead. I had never been in a Circle, and so the Inquisitor took me with almost no questions. I never expected to find Dorian there, however.

“Valora?” he asked, sounding surprised.  
“Dorian!”

I went ahead and hugged him, which prompted him to hug me back.

“You two know each other, then?” Lavellan asked.  
“Well, yes,” Dorian replied, pushing gently away from me. “Do tell me how you came to be here later.”  
“Yes, of course.” I brushed a strand of black hair out of my eyes. “See you soon.”

I looked toward the Chantry. I was supposed to see the ambassador of the Inquisition, Josephine. I was supposed to see her to know where I was going to sleep and where I could and could not go. While I was walking away, I heard Dorian speaking with the Herald. 

“She should not be here,” he said. “However...should she truly wish to be here, treat her nicely. She has had enough pain and suffering to last her a lifetime.”  
“Why would I treat her badly?” the Herald wondered.  
“You tell me.”

That was that. I wandered into the direction of the Chantry and walked down the dimly lit corridor. I had been told that Josephine was in a room at the back; the last door on the left, to be more precise. Inside was a woman with black hair, possibly from Antiva. She was just finishing up speaking to a fairly tall blond man, and so I waited patiently for her to be done. The man turned around and stopped in his tracks. I smiled gently at him.

“Ah, you must be Valora?” the woman asked, writing something down on her parchment. “Well, as long as you are here, I must introduce you to Cullen, the Inquisition’s military advisor, and I am Josephine Montilyet. But I suppose you knew that already.”  
“ _Avanna_.” I bowed my head at the man known as Cullen before walking by and up to Josephine.  
“Heh… _Av_ … _Avanna_ …” he stammered.

Josephine and I watched him leave the room. On his way out, he tripped over his own two feet several times. I looked around once he was gone and then at Josephine. He was our military advisor and he was going around stumbling over his own two feet? I would be lying if I said I didn’t think that was quite adorable. But he was the advisor for a reason; from what I was able to tell, he was a Templar. The more Templars I saw in Haven, the more uneasy I felt. Was it safe to have that many around mages? Nevertheless, I had to keep my head held high.

“Does he know what that means?” I wondered.  
She took out her quill and began writing on her parchment once more. “Well, I don’t think so. I know very little _Tevene_ myself. Now, did you happen to bring any belongings?”  
“Iron Bull and Cremisius are carrying them up…”  
“We’re here!” the Qunari known as Iron Bull announced.

I turned around and looked out the open door to see him and Cremisius dropping my things on the floor. Iron Bull was fine, but Cremisius looked worn out. Josephine and I walked out and she took a look at what I had, and then at the two of them. I would have helped them, gladly, but Iron Bull had insisted very strongly that he carry my luggage. Even when we arrived at Haven’s gates, he still insisted, and even got Cremisius to help. I could tell that even Iron Bull, as large and muscular as he was had become tired after carrying everything a long way. Really, how could I forget he was so big and strong when most of the trip back consisted of him mostly trying to get me to look at his muscles?

“Would it have killed you to do more than one trip?” Josephine sighed.  
“Chief just wanted to get it done,” Cremisius replied, his breathing returning to normal.  
“You could not help, either?” Josephine looked at me.  
“Iron Bull told me not to,” I admitted, blushing. “He was very adamant that he do it.”  
“It’s over, now. Since you’ve arrived quite late, I am afraid you will have to sleep in the quarters that was used to once house servants. You have had a long journey and must be tired… I will show you the way.”

Cremisius groaned as he picked up what he’d already dropped and Iron Bull picked everything else up with ease. They followed Josephine and I to where I would be staying. It appeared that others who had arrived later in the recruiting also were sharing the quarters with me. I hadn’t shared a room in many years and I was nervous about it. Luckily for me, there were several separate rooms just for the Herald’s companions, and I was able to take one. Dorian came in a few moments later and stood in the doorway.

“Valora, I’d like you to meet…” Josephine began.  
“No need for introductions,” Dorian interjected. “We’ve known each other for quite a few years.”  
“Oh… Well, then, you can help her get settled.”

Josephine, Iron Bull, and Cremisius left, leaving Dorian and I alone. Before he could ask why I was with the Inquisition, I filled him in on everything that led to me being there. He listened attentively, every now and then moving his weight from one leg to the other. I didn’t think there was anything to worry about, but if I ended up getting killed I would have wasted his time in helping me escape the Imperium.

Dorian sighed. “Oh, dear. There is no helping it now, is there?”  
“Afraid not.” I closed the armoire, having finished putting my clothes in it.  
“I would like to get the elephant out of the room, wouldn’t you?”  
“What elephant… Oh… Hm.”  
“No need to speak of it if you don’t want to, right now. I can imagine you had a long journey.”  
“Lavellan made sure I was comfortable.”  
He rotated his shoulders. “And Iron Bull?”  
“He was fine. Came on a little strong, but...it is okay.”

Dorian wandered over to my staff that was leaning up against the bed frame. It wasn’t the same one I had left with from the Imperium. I’d broken that one underneath being taught by Madame Vivienne and she’d bought me a more acceptable staff. It was sturdy and it worked well enough. I was glad to be rid of the old one, really.

“You weren’t in a Circle, were you?” he asked, looking at me.  
“No, I did have a Harrowing, though. I fought the demon, but…it was very hard not to want to take its offer.”  
“It had something to do with your father, yes?”  
“Of course it did.”  
“Well, dear, at least you don’t have to face that again. Now, then, how is Gaish?”

Gaish was my older brother; he had moved to Val Royeaux when I was a young girl, but came home as often as he could. I always loved seeing him and sending him letters and receiving them from him. For such a long time, I wondered why he didn’t live at home. Turned out he didn’t agree with the things our family did as...tradition, I supposed. Being the only girl in the family -- aside from my mother, of course -- I didn’t have a say in where I stayed. I wanted to live with him, but our father forbade it. Eventually I understood why he did.

“He went to fight with the mages and I have not heard from him in months,” I replied. “But the last I heard of him, he was doing okay.”  
“If you ask the Herald, I am positive he would help you look for him,” Dorian told me. “The mages have stopped fighting now that the Inquisition has them, so he must be out there somewhere.”  
“You know how Gaish is. He doesn’t like it when I meddle like that.”

Dorian shook his head like he couldn’t believe what I had just said. Gaish was the type of person to get involved in someone elses problems -- namely _my_ problems -- but as soon as someone else tried to interfere with his problems -- namely, _me_ \-- he disliked it to no end. He only got involved as much as he did with mine because of what happened back home and because I was his little sister. I didn’t understand where such kindness sprouted from, but it was nice to have someone in my family who actually cared for others than themselves.

“Are the nightmares any better?” Dorian asked gently.  
“No,” I immediately said. “They come quite often still.”  
“I’m sorry I couldn’t get you out sooner.”  
“I do not want you blaming yourself, Dorian. It truly is not your fault for what Father did and what Mother allowed to happen. It ends with me, it ends with Gaish. There are already signs.”  
“How so?”  
“Commander Cullen tripped over his own two feet when I met him and spluttered.”  
“Ah. He’s a blithering idiot at times.”  
“Dorian, even _you_ were drawn to me, and you don’t even like women.”  
“Darling, I may enjoy the company of men, but I am not blind. I know a good looking woman when I see one.”  
  
I stayed quiet, but just stared at him. Alright, it wasn’t kind of me to say he was drawn to me like he was attracted to me. That is not what I meant at all. There was no shortage of women in the Imperium, equally as attractive as I was and more. The curse I had just made people wish to be around me; luckily it hadn’t had a hold on Dorian for too long, but he still wanted to be my friend and I his.

“Alright, perhaps I was also drawn to you because you used to be sassier than I,” he surrendered. “But, no, dear, don’t for a second believe that you had such a hold over me. Even if you did manage to, that is not your fault.”  
“Thank you…” I mumbled. “Maybe I should go meet everyone else.”  
Dorian rotated his shoulders and neck again; he was tense. “Who have you met so far, other than the Iron Bull and Lavellan?”  
“Solas and, um...Iilena, I believe her name is.”  
“You had a long journey, Valora; why not relax for a bit before meeting with the others?”  
“You just want me all to yourself, Dorian.”  
Dorian pretended to look offended, followed by speaking in a very sarcastic voice. “What? No, that can’t be true.”  
“I do not mind. We are all stuck here together; I am bound to bump into someone else at some point.”  
He sighed. “Let’s walk and talk; two birds, one stone.”

The talk wasn’t anything unusual. It was rather pleasant; we had about five years of catching up to do that didn’t involve magic or our families. Dorian had been my first and only friend to actually believe what was going on in my family. It didn’t take anything to convince him; all I had to do was tell him and he immediately began trying to find a way to get me out of the Imperium. At least my telling him what happened finally gave him answers as to where bruises came from and days where I wanted a void to open and swallow me whole, among other things. If it hadn’t been for him, I didn’t know where I would have ended up; dead, married to someone I didn’t love, maybe rotting in prison because maybe I could have done something to upset my father. Perhaps even simply locked in a tower that only my father and other brothers had access to. Once our talk was finished, we stopped walking near a campfire.

“I apologize for not writing more and it becoming less,” he said, frowning. “Things were not good at home, either, and I suspected you did not want reminders of home when you were trying to get away from them. I did receive all your letters, though; all two hundred and sixty one of them.”  
“Do not apologize, Dorian. You did so much for me; I did not expect for you to keep up.”  
He folded his arms across his chest. “Even so, Valora… I’m sorry I was the only one who believed you. I always knew something was wrong; no one comes to someone elses estate in the middle of the night for no good reason.”  
Suddenly there was an interrupting voice. “Hey, Sparkler.”

We both looked next to the campfire. A rather handsome dwarf was standing there, but then wandered over to us. I’d never exactly met a dwarf before; only seen them from afar. I hadn’t been aware that there was a dwarf around. Well, I hoped I wouldn’t say anything to offend him.

“I’m guessing this is the newest recruit,” he guessed. “Varric Tethras, at your service.”  
“Valora Assanius,” I replied, looking at Dorian.  
“Forgive her, Varric; there were not many books unrelated to magic where she was staying,” he sighed.  
“That's alright,” Varric said.  
“Varric, are you alright?” Dorian wondered. “You never… Oh, dear. We must be off.”

He took my hand and we both speed walked away. The signs were becoming more and more obvious; it was rather surprising. There were some boys, and some women, back in Val Royeaux who had shown the signs as well. But those were humans; I had no idea it could work on dwarves. What was wrong with me wasn’t _magic_ , but never in my dreams could I imagine it to affect a dwarf. But now that we had walked away, we were outside the gates by training Templars, and Cullen and Iron Bull were nearby. As soon as Cullen saw me, he tripped over his own two feet again. Iron Bull didn’t have a reaction like that; he just waved.

“Cassandra seems to be making work of that dummy,” Dorian said, not paying attention.  
“Commander Cullen, are you okay?” I gasped upon Cullen tripping again, this time actually falling.

I rushed over to help him up, but he jumped up quickly. He looked a bit embarrassed that he had done such a thing in front of the people he was training. I did my best to not look too shocked at his clumsiness. Was he _really_ our military advisor?

“I’m alright, thank you,” he told me. “Just, uh...making sure the ground is comfortable to walk on.”  
“Cullen, you are the epitome of grace,” Dorian said sarcastically as he walked over.  
“Thank you.”  
I giggled, covering my mouth as I did so. “I do not think that was a compliment.”  
“What’s going on over here?” the woman known as Cassandra asked. “It is uncommon to see Cullen behave so strangely.”  
“Lady Cassandra, this is Valora.” Dorian gestured to me.  
“Ah, yes, I’ve heard of you.”

She seemed a bit hesitant to say anything else to me. Was it because I was new or was it because I was a mage? Or was it because I was _both_? She was a sight to behold, though. Underneath her armour, I suspected that she must have been quite strong. The sword she had sheathed on her back looked menacing.

“Maker, Cassandra, she’s not going to tear your head off,” Dorian groaned.  
“You know I can never be too careful with mages,” Cassandra replied.  
“Did I do something wrong?” I wondered.  
“No,” Cullen and Dorian said in unison.  
“Cullen, what is the matter with you?” Cassandra demanded. “You do not like mages, either.”  
“I should probably go over there…” I mumbled quietly.

I went over to where the stables were. The horse I arrived on was hiding in the corner when I approached, only to walk to the gate when I reached out to her. Just as I was promising to bring her a big blanket to make her feel warmer, an older man with a beard came up to me and introduced himself as Blackwall.

“Valora,” I replied.  
“I take it this is your horse, then?” he asked.  
“Her name is Hazel.”  
“Hey, there, Hazel.” He pat the top of her head in between her ears, causing her to whinny. “So I noticed Cassandra struck a nerve with you.”  
“I am of no danger to anyone; I know that, so does Dorian and Lavellan. Solas does not think I am trained well enough, but I have never hurt anyone unless I had to. Thankfully that has not been for a long time.” I sighed and looked at him. “How are you feeling?”  
“I feel fine, but it’s a bit annoying when the girl I like runs in the opposite direction whenever she sees me.”

A wave of relief came over me. I was so glad that he wasn’t showing any of the signs toward me. So he fancied someone in Haven, did he? He was a gruff, manly human, to say the least. Was he secretly a romantic, then?

“Who is the girl?” I wondered.  
“Iilena,” he replied. “Pretty girl.”  
“Is she not an elf?”  
“What does that got to do with anything?”  
“You said ‘girl’. Pretty ‘girl’.”  
“Do elves have different genders I don’t know about?”  
“Uh, no, I suppose not. Sorry.”  
He looked at me closely for a moment. “You’re from Tevinter, aren’t you?”  
“I’ve not had an Elven servant in years. I have to go get Hazel a blanket. Er... Sorry. Sorry.”  
***

That night I kept tossing and turning. The nightmares wouldn’t stop; they hadn’t stopped in months. Before going to bed, I’d assured Dorian everything would be fine. He thought they weren’t constant, not more than a few nights a week, but they’d been nightly for a long time. I woke up in a cold sweat, panting and horrified. Dorian’s quarters were right next to mine; it wasn’t too late in the night and Dorian should have still been awake. I grabbed my blanket and left my quarters to go next door.

“Come in, Valora,” he called after I knocked.  
I opened the door and wandered in. “How did you know it was me?”  
He closed the book he had been reading. “Well, you are the only one who knocks the way you do, and I could hear you moaning. Bad dreams?”  
“Yes… I was just wondering if…”  
“You can share my bed, yes.”  
“I am sorry.”  
“Don’t be. I remember how bad they can get. Come, come.”

Dorian moved over slightly to make room for me. He allowed me to lay my head on his lap while he went back to reading. Shortly after I closed my eyes, I drifted off to sleep. Morning came quickly, however; Dorian and I were awoken by screaming and laughter. Dorian had been hugging me closely, but got up to go see what the commotion was. He was mumbling something about a girl named Sera; I hadn’t met her the day before, and for that he was grateful. Apparently I hadn’t needed her rude behaviour when I’d just arrived.

“You should go first, darling,” he told me.  
“Do not want gossip, Dorian?” I teased, getting out of bed and grabbing my blanket.  
“No, that’s exactly what I want. It wouldn’t look as scandalous if I came out of my room first.”

I yawned and left the room, and went next door back to mine. Except I couldn’t get in right away because a woman was standing there.

“Hello…?” I mumbled.  
She looked intense. “I’m Leliana; the Inquisition’s spymaster. Are you alright?”  
“Why would I not be?”  
“One of my scout’s told me that last night you were--”  
“I have horribly bad dreams. If that is an inconvenience, then I apologize.”  
“May I ask what you were doing in Dorian’s room?”  
“It helps when I am with someone else. If you are the spymaster, surely you know that Dorian does not like--”  
“I am aware. We, however, do not have much information on you. No matter how hard we look, we cannot seem to find any trace of you. We have much on your brothers and your mother and father, of course.”  
“When I left the Imperium, Dorian made sure no one could find out about me. May I please go get dressed for the day?”  
“I am sure we will find out about you. There is something strange going on with the men here, and it didn’t start until you arrived.”

After I got dressed into my armour, I went in search of food. In the place where it was meant to be a food hall, I heard the Herald speaking with the Iron Bull, Iilena, and Cassandra. I nervously took a seat, hoping no one would say anything that would hint that I was making them uncomfortable. If they needed me to move, then I would, but I didn’t want them to tiptoe around me. If I made them uneasy or if I scared them, I wanted them to trust me enough to tell me to my face.

“That damned druffalo refuses to move,” Lavellan was saying. “No matter what treats we give her or how slow we walk, she doesn’t move.”  
“Morning, Valora,” the Iron Bull said.  
“Good morning,” I replied.  
“I understand you are from Tevinter and come from a rather rich family, but I hope you slept well,” Cassandra told me.

I blinked at her. Did she really believe I would be picky about where I would sleep? It wasn’t the bed or the room that was the problem; it was my dreams. My bedroom back in Tevinter had been the most comfortable place before the trouble began. After leaving the Imperium, it took me months to just be able to wear silk again.

“It was wrong of me to judge you so quickly; for that I apologize,” she murmured.  
“I am not sure what I should say here,” I admitted. “Not too many people have apologized to me.”

She and the Herald seemed quite close. They weren’t sitting apart a few inches from each other, but were rather touching. Even though they were trying to be discreet about it, they were bumping their feet together. At my response, the Lavellan sighed and Cassandra frowned.

“You don’t know where to go, do you?” Dorian wondered, walking up behind me.  
“No,” I mumbled.  
“Well, I suspect you must be starving, darling. You barely touched your dinner last night. Come, I’ll show you.”

I followed Dorian to the kitchens, where I was met with a variety of smells and sights. While most of the food was meat-based, I was at least glad they were kind enough to accommodate a more basic palate. We both retrieved breakfast and went back to the food hall.

“Still talking about that druffalo, I see,” he teased as we sat down.  
“If that farmer wants his druffalo back, perhaps he should go get her himself,” Cassandra suggested.  
“Why don’t you try taking her back to the farm, Valora? You always had a way with animals.”  
“If she did not go back with anyone else, why would she come back with me?” I asked, taking a small nibble out of my bread.  
“Well, I have this glowing green thing on my hand,” Lavellan mentioned. “Cassandra and the Iron Bull are quite scary; Sera refuses to get near it; and Dorian thinks she smells bad.”  
“Well, she does,” Dorian chimed in.  
“So ask someone else to do it,” I said quietly, almost a mumble. “Blackwall, Iilena, Varric, or even Solas…”  
“Iilena refuses to even get up on a horse,” Lavellan explained. “When we asked Varric, all he said was, ‘Andraste’s ass,’ and walked away. Blackwall isn’t good with animals and Solas is... He’s Solas.”  
“Fine… I will do it…”  
“Great. We leave for the Hinterlands at noon.”  
“Whoa!” the elf known as Sera exclaimed as she sat down across from me. “Has anyone ever told you that your eyes are really intense?”

I looked around, trying to understand the situation this woman had just put me in. My eyes? No one ever commented on my eyes because they were so strange. It wasn’t that they were a strange shape or a strange colour; no, it was because they were a colour that wasn’t common for someone from Tevinter. My eyes were a very intense green; Gaish and I were the only two in our family who had such intense eye colours. It was suspected, but never proven, that it was because of the colours of our eyes that have an unseen pull that made people attracted to us. Even if Gaish was able to break that pull, the reminder that it was ever there was still present.

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d think your eyes were jewels,” Sera snorted. “That’s something, innit?”  
“Sera, you should at least introduce yourself before you talk like that,” Lavellan scolded.

It was going to be another long day.


	2. Chapter 2

“It is rather...quiet…” I commented.

With the Herald came Varric, Iilena, and myself. I had just managed to get the druffalo back to its owner in the Hinterlands. Iilena hadn’t spoken much while helping bring me back to Haven, but she was as silent as a dead mouse now. Varric had made some comments on the druffalo’s smell and that was it. The Herald sighed every now and then, but that was it. No one had said anything since before leaving Haven.

“Yeah, it’s usually that way, Boots,” Varric said.  
“Not _usually_ ,” Iilena quietly rebutted.  
“If you two can’t even be out in nature together, maybe I should just leave you both back at Haven indefinitely,” Lavellan scolded. “Really, it’s exhausting being around you two. It’s difficult to make such a beautiful place feel _this_ tense.”

I was about to open my mouth to ask what he meant, but thought about what Dorian would do if he was with us; he’d shush me. From what I understood, both Varric and Iilena were from the same place -- Kirkwall, in the Free Marches. That was across the ocean, a two week trip on a ship at least. Iilena wasn’t a mage, but Varric didn’t have any issues with mages, at least none that I knew about. Both of them were rogues, using bows and arrows to fight. I didn’t understand their relationship or what was going on with them.

“Is it an elf thing?” I wondered aloud.  
“What’s an elf thing?” Iilena asked.  
“N-Never mind…”  
“That’s enough,” Lavellan demanded.  
“I’ll do better,” Iilena promised.  
“Me, too,” Varric chimed in.

We made our way back to Haven, and Iilena immediately disappeared into her own room once we got back. Varric returned to his spot by the campfire he was always standing by. I went to my room to try and get some rest; I was exhausted from running around the Hinterlands and still tired from not sleeping completely through the night. While I was changing into my civvies, there was a knock on the door and in came Dorian. I was just trying to do up my corset when he’d come in. He caught me tightening it myself using one of my hands and my teeth.

“Get a servant to help you, Valora,” he said with a snicker.  
“What do you need?” I mumbled, pulling my dress over my head.  
“Leliana would like me to tell her more about you, since she cannot find the records I took when I helped you.”  
“Oh.”  
“I want to keep your trust, darling; that is why I came to tell you.”  
“She is just concerned for the men around here.”  
“I’m sorry, Valora; I didn’t realize it was that bad. Varric will eventually snap out of it; he is just angry with Iilena right now and Iilena is angry with him in return. I am sure, with time, everything will return to normal.”  
“You can give her the documents.”  
“I’m sorry?”  
“Give Leliana my documents, Dorian. You...did bring my documents, right?”  
“Of course I did. But before I do...you are absolutely positive that you wish Leliana to be able to look through them?”  
“Go ahead.”

Dorian sighed, shaking his head like he couldn’t believe what I was saying. Leliana had a right to know about me; everyone did. I couldn’t be liable for “stealing” a suitor from his woman since it wasn’t my fault. I understood that there was a risk of people demanding I be sent away if they didn’t like the effects of just being in my presence. Gaish had luckily managed to find a woman who actually loved him for him, not because there was some unforeseen curse causing her to be attracted to him. He’d managed to find the “cure”, but men didn’t fall in love as easily as women did for anything other than attraction. Well, that was what I had been taught and led to believe, and from my experience it was turning out to be true.

“I just do not want you to get hurt, you understand,” Dorian told me.  
“Of course I understand.”

He left, closing the door behind him, and I sat on my bed. What did he mean by Iilena and Varric were angry at each other “right now”? During dinner the previous evening, they were the only ones who hadn’t spoken to each other or looked at each other, and then there was breakfast when they sat as far away from each other as possible, and then there was the small argument while in the Hinterlands. If anything was because of me, I needed to find out. Iilena seemed upset enough already, though, and Varric would be completely biased toward me thanks to the effect I had on him. There was no winning, really, and so I decided to lay down to try and rest.  
***

During dinner, everyone was there except for Iilena. Everyone noticed she was missing and Leliana excused herself to go see if she could find her. Varric had just begun to stand when Leliana announced such, and immediately sat back down. At least he was going to go look for her himself, right?

“You’ve not eaten much this evening,” Cassandra mentioned, motioning to my plate.

While the plate was empty, I’d only had some bread, vegetables, and fruit.

“I do not eat meat,” I replied.  
“I see. May I ask why?”  
“Sensitive stomach.”  
“There are tonics for that, darling,” Dorian told me. “I know you hate taking them, but--”  
“I should not _have_ to take anything so I can eat.”  
He sighed. “Fine, fine, fine.”  
I looked at Cassandra. “Do you think Iilena is okay?”  
“She is special; I wouldn’t worry about her too much.”

Dorian shifted uncomfortably next to me, but continued to eat like nothing was wrong. Varric suddenly got up, possibly wanting to go look for Iilena, anyway, even though Leliana was already doing so. Haven wasn’t that big; there weren’t many areas for her to hide. I didn’t think a tiny spat could upset someone so much.

“Other than horseback riding, Valora, what are your hobbies?” Cassandra asked, trying to change the subject.  
“I read.”  
“Oh? Have you read any of Varric’s works?”  
“I have not. What do you do? I only ever see you practicing for battle.”  
“I, ah…research.”  
“She doesn’t know how to relax very well,” Dorian told me.  
“I can _too_.”

I looked around the food hall, realizing someone else was missing.

“What is it now?” Lavellan wondered.  
“Does Commander Cullen ever eat?” I asked. “So far I’ve not seen him at any meal time.”  
“Ah,” Dorian sighed. “Now that is someone who does not know how to relax. Maker knows when that man eats.”  
“Now that you mention it…” Cassandra added in.  
Dorian jumped when I suddenly got up. “Where are you going?”

I waved him off and went to where the food was. It seemed like the food was endless; even if we were near wildlife, surely it would have to run out eventually. I got a plate of food together and took it to where Cullen usually stood; outside of the main town’s doors near the training dummies and tents. He was watching the recruits, who I had seen already eat, as they practiced their sword-work.

“Commander?” I said gently.  
“Hm?”

He looked down at me, possibly not realizing who it was at first. It looked like all the colour drained from his face. He shook his head to compose himself and sighed.

“What can I do for you, um...uh…” he stammered, not remembering my name.  
“Valora.”  
“Yes, right. That’s...your name.” He cleared his throat. “What can I do for you?”

I held the plate of food out to him. For a moment, it seemed like he didn't understand what I was doing or what the food was for. I grabbed his hand that rested on the hilt of his sword and handed him the plate. Cullen looked at the food and then at me.

“You do not eat with the rest of us, so I thought you might be hungry,” I said.  
“I… Thank you. You didn't have to.”  
“You should take a break sometime… Sit with us.”  
“I will consider it.”  
I smiled gently. “Goodnight, Commander.”

I returned to the food hall, where Dorian had filled my plate back up. Or, rather, he’d gotten an elf who worked the kitchen to fill it. As I sat down and ate again, Iilena came in behind Varric. She’d so obviously been crying. Cassandra kicked my foot to get me to focus on my food.

“I am sure it is nothing,” she said.  
“People do not cry about ‘nothing’,” I retorted. “Why is she here if she is so sensitive?”  
“She misses her home, and being surrounded by Tevinters is probably a waking nightmare for her.”  
Dorian and I immediately looked at each other, but then I looked right back to Cassandra. What did my country have to do with her being uncomfortable? The other elves seemed perfectly fine with Dorian and I, or at least they hid how they felt.

“What?” I snapped.  
“I have already said too much.” She shifted uncomfortably with a small sigh. “Whatever the case, it looks like she made up with Varric.”  
***

The next afternoon when the Herald got back, I went to find Iilena. Apparently Iilena hadn’t started acting up until they came to get me from Val Royeaux. Dorian had been there slightly longer than me, so it had to be because of me that she was behaving strangely. I found the spot where Dorian told me she spent most of her time; inside the tavern, opposite Sera. She was playing with the end of her braid.

“Hi,” she mumbled shyly before I could say anything. “Is there something I can help you with?”  
“I am sorry if I make you uncomfortable,” I told her. “It is really not my intention.”  
Iilena let her braid go. “You...really don’t remember me, do you?”  
“Er…”  
“It’s obvious why Dorian doesn’t remember me; he never saw me. But…” She swallowed hard. “I mean, I would think that you… Miss Valora…”  
“You do not have to call me--”  
“I used to be a slave in Tevinter, to Magister Bencivenni Assanius.”

No wonder I didn’t recognize her. Clearly she looked older, but she looked healthier, her hair was longer, and she wasn’t wearing Elven slave clothes. She saw the horrified expression on my face and held her hands out in front of her to tell me to stop.

“Perhaps it was too harsh of me to think you would remember me,” she said, matter-of-factly. “It was nearly ten years ago that I managed to escape and I doubt you would have noticed that one slave girl was missing among many. You never treated me badly; you never treated me at all, really.”  
“So…when my father took our mabari’s and was gone for so long…”  
“He managed to get me back, but Varric and his friends distracted them and rescued me.”  
“Are you and Varric okay now?”  
“We, uh… I don’t know. I know about your curse, and I was afraid it would work on Varric. He made it seem like it did, but…” She sighed, shifting her weight from one leg to the other. “Maker, this is so ridiculous… It didn’t work on him, so you don’t need to worry. His flirting with you was just that -- flirting. He did it to make me feel jealous about my being kind to Blackwall. See, told you it was ridiculous. I don’t even like Blackwall like that, but it worked. I got angry at him because you are my old master’s daughter.”  
“Why would Varric try to make you jealous?”  
“Oh, that’s… How do I say this? He and I are...were... Um...we are...sweethearts. Out of everyone I was with in Kirkwall, Varric was the kindest to me.”  
“Are you here only because he is here?”  
“Well, erm...technically. When they were making the trip back to Haven with Varric, I stopped the rope from being undone on the docks. I didn’t say anything; they must have known who I was and why I was there. I didn’t want Varric to go alone. He got mad at me; I think he still might be a bit mad about it.”  
“You are an elf… He is a dwarf…” I looked her up and down. “Um…”  
She blushed. “It’s...really not that difficult. Kissing is difficult sometimes, but the other thing is not.”

The door to the tavern suddenly opened and in came Varric. He looked at both of us curiously for a moment before speaking.

“You got time for a walk, Princess?” he asked.  
“I was done here, anyway,” I said when Iilena looked at me.

Varric took Iilena’s hand gently and they both walked out.

“Get a room!” Sera shouted, giggling.

That had been a rather enlightening conversation. I’d not realized just how much I didn’t know about the world until I had gone to Haven. Humans having feelings for elves, elves having feelings for dwarves. It must have been so close minded of me to possibly think that races simply chose to stay within their own when it came to relationships. Did any of them make it to a successful marriage? I was aware that many Elven slaves were used for more than just serving food or entertaining their masters. My family had so many of them the last time I was at the family home. I wasn’t the only one being hurt by my brothers and my father and it had been wrong of me to think so. It made me wonder if Iilena managed to get out unscathed, or if she was harmed other than being hit or beaten.

“Tevinter’s a right nasty place,” Sera suddenly said to me.  
“Pardon me?” I asked, turning to her.  
“What, did I stutter? You’re not gonna complain how bad Tevinter is and then say how much you love the place like Dorian does, will you?”  
“No, I genuinely did not hear what you said. Also, no, I do not even like Tevinter myself.”  
“I guess you really can’t be pretty and smart, huh?”

Talking to Sera was like chasing a mouse you would never catch. I waved her off and left the tavern. There wasn’t much to do in the grand scheme of things. There were books, more books, and, if someone was lucky enough, even _more_ books. Really, they were everywhere, just tossed on top of barrels or crates or even on the ground. Well, I could probably occupy myself long enough by returning the books to their rightful places. There had to be a bookshelf _somewhere_.

I stacked the books I had found outside and inside the hallway on top of a barrel. Those books I would come back for, but there were probably books down in the dungeons, too. I headed down, carefully watching my step as I went. Sure enough, there were some a couple books strewn about. Not only did I find books, I found a prisoner of the Inquisition. I didn’t recognize him, but the robes he wore were that of Tevinter. Dorian would know who he was. I continued to look around the dungeon, just in case I missed anything. Standing under one of the lights, I opened the book on top to a random page and read it. Well, that was the reason it was in the dungeons -- it was boring.

“What’re you reading?”

I screamed and dropped the books, placing my hand on my chest. Turning, I saw Iron Bull standing there. How had he managed to sneak up on me? Never mind that; why did he feel the need to sneak up on me? Whether it was on purpose or not remained to be seen, but I didn’t appreciate what he had done. I’d spent enough time getting over looking over my shoulder. I thought I was going to die from my heart arresting from how scared I was.

“Whoops,” Iron Bull said. “Sorry.”  
“Do not do that,” I choked out.

I knelt down to pick up the books I had dropped, but he insisted on picking them up himself. Rather than allowing myself to give in to his insistence, I shrugged him off and picked up the books anyway. I didn’t need him trying to show off his muscles to me again and I especially didn’t need him following me around Haven as I tried to return the books from wherever they were supposed to be. He wasn’t even doing it to be friendly -- he was doing it because of my curse.

“I wish to be alone,” I told him before quickly running up the stairs.

I’d not been scared like that in such a long time that it took so long for my heart to stop beating so quickly. Rather than immediately putting the books away, I found a corner of the hallway to sit down in. While I was there, I decided to read one of the seemingly less boring books. Just as I was getting into it, however, Dorian found me.

“Valora?” he said. “What on earth are you doing down there?”  
“Reading,” I replied, looking up at him.  
“Yes, well, I can see that, but what I am asking is why are you down there?”  
“Iron Bull scared me and I needed to distract myself. No need to worry; I am feeling better.”  
“It’s almost dinner time. Will you be joining us?”  
“I will after I put these books away.”  
“Let me help you.”

Dorian helped me to my feet and came with me to the bookcase. There appeared to be even more missing books, though. I wondered where they could be, but that was an exploration for another time. The two of us headed to the kitchen and then the food hall, where everyone else was already situated. Once again, though, Cullen wasn’t at the table. I decided that if he didn’t show up, I’d take him a plate of food again. That man didn’t eat; did he not sleep, either?

“Where does Commander Cullen sleep?” I wondered aloud, though I didn’t mean to.  
“Valora,” Dorian said in a teasing tone.  
My face felt warm. “Th-That... I did not...”  
“I’m teasing you, dear. I’m not sure where he sleeps, but I know he must. You should see his hair in the mornings; it’s absolutely _adorable_.”  
“You mean his hair is not just like that?” I looked away from Dorian, down at the table, and then back to Dorian. “That means he has time to do his hair?”  
“I suppose it’s either his hair that gets done or he eats.”

I quickly finished up my food and headed back to the kitchen. If Cullen was a picky eater, he hadn’t said anything about the last plate I had taken him. Once again, I found him outside Haven’s gates, watching the recruits as they trained. He was also looking over a clipboard. I peeked at it from behind him; there wasn’t anything on it.

“Commander Cullen,” I said, clearing my throat.  
“What is it _now_?” he asked, frustrated.

Once he turned to look at me, his face turned red. He looked embarrassed. He’d really not been expecting me again, then? I looked up at him, feeling quite confused. Was I really bothering him or was it something else? Perhaps people hadn’t stopped coming up to him all day and that was why he had been looking at an empty clipboard.

“Here.” I grabbed his hand that rested on the hilt of his sword and placed the plate in it. “You were not at dinner again. Sorry for bothering you. I did not mean to.”  
“Maker,” he muttered to himself. “You aren’t bothering me. Recruits and files have been coming to me all day and I assumed you were another recruit. I apologize if I made you think--”  
“Do not explain yourself to me.”

He sighed and nearly ended up dropping the plate on the ground when he went to rest his hand back on the hilt. I grabbed his hand to keep him from doing so; he was so flustered he didn’t know what to do, it seemed. What was happening to him was my fault, wasn’t it?

“I will see you tomorrow, Commander Cullen,” I told him.


	3. Chapter 3

“Is this seat taken?”

I looked up to see Cullen, holding a plate of food in his hands. The food hall was pretty much empty; Lavellan, Iilena, Solas, and Cassandra had left just after breakfast began, and everyone else was still either sleeping or wandering about. He could sit anywhere, really.

“Go ahead,” I mumbled. “Nice of you to actually sit and eat.”  
“Well, I...didn’t want to inconvenience you again,” he replied, taking a bite of sausage.  
“It is not an inconvenience. Even just standing there for hours on end must be tiring.”  
Cullen sighed. “You must have other things to do than worry over me.”  
“At the time, I did not. Do you ever relax? Dorian said that you do not relax.”  
“There is much to do.” He picked at his bacon. “I do not have time.”  
“The breach is scary; everyone is scared. I do not understand it. Do you, Commander?”  
“No, I do not; you can just call me Cullen, Valora.”  
“O-Okay, well...do you know when the breach will be closed?”  
“We’re planning for it when the Herald gets back to Haven, which should be this afternoon. He is just procuring a healer for the refugees. Is something bothering you?”  
“Just with the breach and everything that has been happening, I have not been able to ask someone to look for my brother.”  
“Is...he a mage like you are?”  
“Does it matter? He is my brother; I have not heard from him in months, and a letter arrived last night from his wife begging me to find him.”  
“I can have the troops--”  
“Cullen, he was fighting with the mages in Witchwood last I heard from him. If he is dead, we at least deserve to know. If he is not, Gaish might attack anyone who looks like a Templar.”  
“I will have Leliana look into it.”

We sat in silence for the rest of our meal. I was feeling nervous about Gaish; his curse had been broken when Elena had accepted him completely. The nervousness was from the possibility of him actually being dead. He was a kind man, but when he felt passionately about something, he stuck to it. Whoever found him, I hoped he was alive and he didn’t attack them.

“I’ll be off, then,” Cullen announced, getting up.  
“Wait,” I stammered. “The breach… Do you know who is going?”  
“Well, the Herald asked for two mages and one of our warriors. Solas will be there to guide the mages, anyway, so I do not think he is one to choose from. That leaves you and Dorian, so I suppose you both will be going. No need for a rogue since the Herald is one. I haven’t decided on the Iron Bull, Cassandra, or Blackwall yet. Because you are our newest member here, I should ask who you would be more comfortable with. I know you’ve not had much time out in the field due to your arrival time, but…”  
  
He was asking me who I would be comfortable with? I’d only been around the Iron Bull for a short amount of time; I’d seen him fight and he was amazing. I hadn’t seen Cassandra fight; we’d only spoken at meals and at the training dummies. And Blackwall I only had one conversation with. I didn’t feel comfortable with any of them yet, and I really didn’t feel comfortable with the Iron Bull. I wasn’t sure if it was the curse or if it was because he was a Qunari who enjoyed sex and just wanted someone new, but I knew he liked me thanks to the curse. If Dorian was going to be with us on closing the breach and things went strangely with the Iron Bull, he would protect me.

“The...Iron Bull, I guess,” I replied gently. “Command… Cullen…?”  
“Yes?”  
“Are you scared of the breach, too?”  
“Everyone is scared. I suggest you prepare yourself for the breach, now.”

He left, and I looked at the plate he had left behind. There was still much to be eaten. He really didn’t like to eat, did he? Sighing, I got up and went to my room to get ready. I was filling up my carrying bag when I realized I was nearly out of lyrium potions. Clutching a flask of the blue liquid to my chest, it got me thinking. Hadn’t Cullen been a Templar? I didn’t know too much about Templars, but I knew that they took lyrium to protect themselves against magic. He’d left the order, but...was he still taking it? If he wasn’t, it explained the reason why he didn’t ever feel like eating. He must have been in constant withdrawal. Also, he always looked tired and slightly pale. I walked out of my room, only to find Dorian coming out of his own.

“Good morning, Valora,” he said. “Have you eaten yet?”  
“Yes,” I mumbled. “Cullen said we are going to assault the breach when the Herald gets back.”  
“Ah. Are you alright with that?”  
“I am okay. I just… The Iron Bull will be coming with us…”  
“Do you have something against him, darling?”  
“He just...flexed a lot when they came to get me from Val Royeaux… I think he keeps looking at my...er…”  
“He _does_ seem like an ass person, doesn’t he?” He let out a humoured laugh. “Quite frankly, Valora, your armour and civilian clothes accentuate your more curvaceous areas.”  
“The armour Madame Vivienne gave me…”  
“And she sounds like a lovely woman, but do yourself a favour and go make some new ones.”  
“I need more lyrium potions.”  
“Armour first. Just be careful; because you’ll have to pass the Iron Bull on your way to the blacksmith.”  
***

I looked in my carrying bag and counted how many lyrium potions I had. The assault on the breach had been a success; no demons came forward, no hostile wildlife, no human enemies… Everyone in Haven was celebrating the breach being gone. The Herald was off speaking with Cassandra; Dorian was off somewhere possibly drinking; and I wasn’t sure where the Iron Bull was. I went and took a seat on the the steps leading up to the tents to observe everyone else.

Iilena and Varric were hand in hand, walking the grounds; Solas was leaning against the outer wall of the tavern with his eyes closed; Sera was running around, laughing, possibly having played a prank on someone; Blackwall was standing near the guard tower, catching glimpses of Iilena.

“Nice armour. Really brings out the green in your eyes.”

I jumped, looking up and behind me. The Iron Bull sat down next to me with a content sigh. He wasn’t making his muscles appear tighter than usual; his armour covered his biceps and so he must have figured it was no use in trying to flex in front of me if I wasn’t going to see. But he was all muscle.

“Thank you,” I mumbled, despite my eyes not being any other colour besides green.  
“So what do you think?” he asked. “Too easy? The breach, I mean.”  
“I do not think it was easy. I mean, I just got here and it took a lot of work to get to closing the breach, yes? Helping those refugees at the Crossroads, retrieving Blackwall, Sera, _you_ , and I.”  
“Actually _closing_ it, I meant. There were no demons to attack us; no one to stop us.”

I looked at him. He had a point. Just as I was going to open my mouth to speak, warning signals went off. In response to that, the Iron Bull jumped up, and, before running toward Cullen, grabbed my hand and pulled me up and behind him. There were lanterns in the distance. Not just a few; not even just a hundred; there must have been thousands of lanterns, and they were moving fast. I held my breath for a moment when I realized what was happening. Haven was being attacked; _we_ were being attacked. Dorian and the Herald ran up next to the Iron Bull and I, and Cassandra and Josephine were questioning Cullen. There was suddenly banging on the main gate; light was shining through the bottom. It was a moment before a young man’s voice called out in desperation.

“I can’t come in unless you open!”

Lavellan ran to the gates and opened them. The Iron Bull, Dorian, and I stayed a few feet behind him, while the others pulled back to the Chantry. The four of us were the only ones prepared for a fight; I assumed we were going to have to fight whomever was attacking. At first, there was only an enemy in silver armour, with a strange looking helmet. There were people strewn around him; his dead allies. Just as he was walking toward the open gates, he stopped and groaned, and then fell to the ground, dead. There was a young man behind him who had stabbed him in the back. This one must have been the one to tell Lavellan to open the gates. Cullen and Lavellan ran out to talk with him.

“Well, this has turned into quite a celebration,” Dorian said sarcastically.

I inhaled sharply, looking at the army that was descending upon Haven. Of course I’d fought in the little time I’d been in the Inquisition, but never in my life did I see so many people. Even if I wasn’t alone, there was so much. But at this point, we weren’t just going to have to fight for ourselves; we were going to have to fight to protect the people of Haven.

My heart dropped at the realization of who it was coming down the mountain. I looked at Dorian; he didn’t look worried, but I knew he was worried. Cole suddenly pointed to a cliff in the mountains, where a slightly sick looking man stood in red armour, and behind him came a very deformed looking man. It looked like he was almost a darkspawn, but… He looked angry. Cole had mentioned that the Inquisition had taken the man’s mages.

I was expecting regular Templars; Templars that looked like Cullen. But what came with regular Templars… There were horrifying...things...that had once been regular men and women. Some of the regular-looking ones had glowing red lines on any visible skin; the ones that were completely different had red sticking out of them like spikes. The fast ones spat red at us as they tried to swarm the trebuchet.

Lavellan got behind many of them and stabbed them in the back, killing them almost instantly. Dorian froze and burned the ones that could be affected, and set down ice and fire mines where he could. The Iron Bull went full force, charging into multiple Templars and knocking them to the ground. He slammed his axe down between them and brought fire up from the ground to burn them up. I mind-blasted a few that tried to get to the woman manning the trebuchet and electrocuted them, before paralyzing them and freezing them. There was a moment of peace so the woman could turn the wheel with no interruptions.

“What is that coming out of them?” I shouted with alarm.  
“Red lyrium,” Lavellan replied, nearly breathless. “We call them Red Templars.”  
“We saw much of it when Alexius sent us through time,” Dorian explained. “That man in the dungeons. It is horrifying stuff, to say the least.”  
“Stay away from the ones who spit it,” the Iron Bull said. “It burns like hell.”  
“More on their way!” Lavellan shouted.

Dorian and I immediately froze several of them for the Iron Bull to swing his axe around. Heads were rolling on the ground after the fact, quite literally. The woman finished setting up the trebuchet and launched boulders toward the army of lanterns.

The four of us followed an Inquisition scout over to the other side, where the man who was meant to man the trebuchet had been killed by the Templars. Lavellan decided he was going to have to man it himself, but first we had to deal with the small swarm. They saw us coming, but before they could do much, I conjured fire up out of the ground to begin harming them. This allowed Lavellan enough time to go behind them and back stab them. He pulled a flask out of his carrying bag and dipped his daggers in it before running through a few of the Templars and just barely grazing them.

Dorian put up an ice wall against the actual wall to block off the Templars that were trying to climb over to get to us. Behind us came more, from the trail that led down to where we were. I turned and set them ablaze before hitting them with enough electricity to kill them. The Iron Bull charged a few, two getting stuck on each of his horns. He pushed them off and slammed his axe atop of them for a killing blow.

Lavellan began turning the trebuchet and we could all take a small breath. Dorian, the Iron Bull, and myself kept watch so we wouldn’t be surprised by another wave of Templars. Things went smoothly, and the trebuchet was able to launch. That was a very short-lived victory; a dragon came out of the sky and destroyed the trebuchet, and knocked all of us to the ground. It didn’t take long for us to realize that it wasn’t over just yet.

“That is just messed up!” the Iron Bull growled.  
“Everyone, back to the gates!” Lavellan commanded.

We started back to the gates; the three of us went ahead so Lavellan could help the blacksmith get something important before heading to the gates. Once Cullen knew everyone was within Haven, he shut the gates. He figured the Chantry was the best place to go so we could possibly wait out the dragon and the army. He ran ahead and left us to help anyone who hadn’t made it to the Chantry yet.

I heard Flissa, the tavern matron, crying for help from inside the tavern. It was on fire and looked almost destroyed; I could only assume she was stuck. I ran through the open doorway and like I had suspected, she was stuck underneath a support beam that had toppled over. She was trying to pull herself out of it, but she was too injured to do so herself. I pulled the beam as quickly as I could up and off of her, before helping her to her feet and out the door.

“Thank you!” she sobbed before making for the chantry.

There were many people who needed help, and we all did the best we could to get them to safety. If it hadn’t been for Iron Bull hearing someone being trapped in another building, they would have died. Once we figured everyone was accounted for, we headed for the chantry ourselves. Cullen immediately stepped forward to speak with Lavellan.

“Are you alright, dear?” Dorian asked, shaking his head.  
“I am,” I told him.  
“I’m glad that you can handle yourself in such a serious battle, though.”  
“Thank you.”

I turned my attention toward Cullen raising his voice. Lavellan wanted to save everyone and possibly sacrifice himself. There was a hidden passage that everyone could take to safely get away from Haven without getting buried with it. But he needed the Iron Bull, Dorian, and I to help him first. I was slightly hesitant; what if whatever his plan was didn’t work? Still, the three of us along with him were the only ones prepared for a fight.

“What the piss is that sound?” Sera snapped. “Glad I don’t have to go out there and face whatever that is.”  
“We will not have to fight that dragon, will we?” I asked quietly, wandering up to the Lavellan.  
“Hopefully not,” he replied, and then walked over to Cassandra.

I stood by the door with the Iron Bull and Dorian. Lavellan was saying goodbye to Cassandra. She tried to remain stoic, but I could tell she was upset. Cullen told the three of us that when Lavellan gave us the signal, we had to run back to the chantry as fast as we could and find the entrance to the passage. Lavellan came and joined us, and the chantry doors shut behind us.

“Ignore the Red Templars and get to the trebuchet!” he shouted.

We complied, just barely making it by the Red Templars. They were clearly out for blood, even moreso than when they first arrived. The trebuchet had a small swarm of Red Templars. Daggers dipped in poison again, Lavellan became invisible and appeared behind two of the Red Templars and stabbed each of them in the neck. I focused on the archers; if they landed a critical shot and one of us was weak enough, we could die. Dorian would have been able to revive us, but I wanted to avoid any of us falling. The Iron Bull and Dorian focused on the warriors while Lavellan dealt with the ones that had Red Lyrium coming out of them like spikes.

“We have some time!” Dorian called over. “Turn the trebuchet!”

The moment Lavellan touched the trebuchet, more Red Templars began coming for us. They came from behind, the side, and in front; climbing the walls. I put up a fire wall and Dorian put up an ice wall behind it to give us some more time. Dorian ran to the other side of the trebuchet to deal with a Red Templar sneaking behind there. The Iron Bull dealt with the ones that were coming from behind. I focused on the archers again; I ended up not realizing there was one hidden in the trees. Just as I threw a fireball at him, he shot me in the side and then once more before dying.

A Red Templar with a large shield bashed into me, knocking me to the ground. I clutched my sides, not able to grab a healing potion without having to look away. He brought his sword up to finish me off. I ended up screaming as he swung it down toward me. I shut my eyes, waiting for the impact. But the impact never came. Slowly opening my eyes, I saw his sword just a centimetre from my nose. My stomach was in knots and I felt like crying. The Red Templar wasn’t moving. It was only a second before his upper body separated from his lower body and he fell to the ground. The Iron Bull had realized I was in danger and had come to help me. He helped me up, slapped me in the shoulder to tell me I was alright, and turned his attention to Lavellan. We had a decent opening to recoup.

Dorian ran over to me. “Are you alright?”  
“I am… I am…” I stammered.  
“Fight now, vomit later.” Dorian looked behind me. “They’re here!”

There weren’t as many Red Templars this time, but I turned around only to see a giant Red Templar. He had a large claw on one arm, and not only were there spikes of red lyrium coming out of him, his whole upper body was blown up to the size of a large statue. Before I could react to him, he brought his claw up and then slammed it into the ground. I froze him and backed up.

“Deal with the others first!” Lavellan shouted at me.

I mind-blasted the cluster of Red Templars and set them on fire, and the Iron Bull and Lavellan finished them off. The large Red Templar continuously slammed his claw into the ground, bringing up the rock and dirt. He stumbled toward us, swiping as he did so. My sides were still injured, still bleeding, and I couldn’t do as much as I wanted to. I jumped back as he tried to swipe at me and I fell to the ground, crying out in pain. Lavellan and Dorian got the Red Templar’s attention so the Iron Bull could run over to me. 

In my worry over lyrium potions, I really had forgotten to pack healing potions. The Iron Bull gave me one of his. As soon as I was alright, I hopped to my feet and froze the Red Templar. He was already weakened; he was becoming desperate, non-stop stumbling toward us and trying to swipe and slam his claw into the ground. Finally, Lavellan jumped up and shoved one of his daggers through the Red Templar’s normal arm. The Red Templar fell, shaking the ground as he did so.

Finally, with no more Red Templars close enough, Lavellan managed to set up the trebuchet. The dragon flew down from the sky, spitting fire.

“Get back!” he commanded. “Get back!”  
“That’s our signal; it’s time to go,” the Iron Bull said.

We left Lavellan at the the trebuchet. I kept looking back, knowing that he wouldn’t be with us. Just before the Chantry doors shut behind us, I saw the dragon landing in front of the opening that would have allowed him to escape. Cullen was at the entrance to the escape route, watching who was passing him. The Iron Bull, Dorian, and I were the last ones before him.

For a long few moments, we were underground. I could feel the shakes of the dragon stomping, of the remaining Red Templars marching down on Haven… I stayed close to Cullen and Dorian; the Iron Bull had gone ahead to make sure Cremisius and the rest of his Chargers were all okay. Eventually, we made it to the other end of the escape route; the mountain was covered in deeper snow than I expected.

“You’re kidding me, Curly,” Varric said, wandering to the back where we were.  
“Listen, dwarf--” Cullen began.  
“I do not feel so good…” I mumbled.  
“Uh, never mind,” Varric sighed. “Boots has worse problems than me right now.”  
“All of this is happening fast, I know,” Cullen noted. “For someone who has not been in combat very long, it must be incredibly stressful. Let’s find a safe spot to camp and then you can relax. Until then, push through this.”

We made our way out onto the mountain behind everyone else. As the slope went up, I could see in the distance that Cole was helping the chantry father, Roderick, walk through the snow. The cold wasn’t going to help ease his pain; just make it worse. The cold wind was a small comfort on my hot skin. No one knew how long we would be walking for; not even Cullen. I was thinking about Lavellan when I lost my footing and nearly fell into the snow.

Cullen grabbed me by my waist and kept me upright. He cleared his throat as he blushed. I walked ahead slightly to be closer to Dorian. He was dealing with the snow better than I thought he would, but he looked annoyed.

The tall slope eventually ended. By that point, I didn’t know how long we had been walking. Solas stopped every now and then to create fires in hopes that Lavellan would be able to find them, and then find us. By the time Solas created the third one, the mountain came to another slope, this time going down. It was faster getting down than it was to climb. At the end, it was safe enough and not nearly as cold, and so we set up camp. I sat on a large crate that had been set down and sighed. Dorian came and joined me.

“Where are we going to go?” I asked.  
“I can’t tell you,” he replied, “because I really don’t know.”  
“I miss the warmth of Val Royeaux.”  
“The warmth of Minrathous was good, too.”

Cassandra, Leliana, and Cullen suddenly ran out of the camp and back up the way we came from. Looking around, I saw that no one else really knew what to do, either. Iilena and Sera were talking about food, but Josephine told them it was too dangerous to wander off alone. Everyone spoke to each other, but Dorian and I sat in silence. I leaned against him with a quiet sigh while he read a book he carried around with him.

A long time passed until the three who had left returned. Lavellan was passed out and was being carried on Cassandra’s back. She set him down on a bedroll next to Mother Giselle. The mark on the Herald was glowing green; I had to wonder if it was hurting him and that was why he passed out, other than the fact that he’d been on his own in the mountain.

Hours passed until Lavellan woke up. But he only woke up because Josephine, Cassandra, and Cullen had gotten into an argument about what we should do. He staggered out of his tent as the three of them dispersed. They were all stressed; _everyone_ was stressed, cold, and tired. What were we going to do?  
***

Lavellan led us elsewhere, to a much safer place. Solas had known about it beforehand, and had told him to take us there. It was a long trek to wherever it was, but when we came to a hill that looked over the place, there was an air of relief that spread through everyone. It looked ancient, but sturdy; open, but protected. It looked like it was sitting on nothing since the giant rock it sat on was masked by clouds and fog. Everyone made their way to the place known as Skyhold.

In the courtyard, Lavellan was made the leader of the Inquisition, thus becoming the Inquisitor of the new age of the organization. He was confused as to why; he was an elf, after all, and not many people would accept an elf as a leader outside of the Inquisition. However, everyone approved of him. After choosing to possibly sacrifice himself for everyone, he was the perfect candidate to be the leader. He accepted it after a moment of contemplation, and then immediately went into the Great Hall to speak with Josephine, Leliana, and Cullen.

The rest of us looked around Skyhold. I found a room on the battlements that needed fixing up, but it wasn’t much of a big deal. Once everyone was settled into Skyhold, I would have no problem cleaning up what I had to. For the moment, though, I claimed it and looked out the slim window. There wasn’t much to see; there was just white for kilometres around. Instead, I opened one of the doors connected to the room and wandered out onto the battlements. Skyhold was beautiful, without a doubt.

I looked down beneath me, to where the merchants would setup once they arrived to Skyhold, and then up to the main grounds. The Inquisitor was walking toward one of the staircases. I followed him with my eyes as he walked up and then walked along the battlements. He jumped down into the area where Varric was waiting.

“So this is where you ran off to,” the Iron Bull said, walking out to where I was.  
I looked away from Lavellan. “Yes.”  
He leaned against the battlements as he looked out over Skyhold. “Nice place we got here now, don’t you think?”  
“I like it. Er, the Iron Bull?”  
“For you, ‘Bull’ is just fine.”  
“Thank you for the healing potion and for saving my life back in Haven.”  
“Not a problem.”  
“Excuse me, but I need to go find Dorian.”

I quickly left and wandered around Skyhold, eventually finding Cullen instead of Dorian. He was looking over plans for the scouts, but left the plans when he saw me approaching. As always, his priority when no one was in danger was to work. He was blushing again and looked around nervously, as if he was looking for a way out so as not to make a fool of himself.

“After the last few days we have had, do you not think you deserve a break?” I asked, worried.  
“Thank you for your concern, but there is so much to prepare for,” he replied, resting his hands on the hilt of his sword and standing up straight. “I would much rather see you relax than worry over me.” He cleared his throat. “Are you feeling better?”  
“A little.” I moved a strand of hair behind my ear. “I-I am still a bit shaken, but it should pass.”  
“I heard from the Iron Bull you almost died out there. I am glad that you’re alive.”  
I felt my face become warm. “Th-Thank you…”  
“Before I forget, Leliana told me that she wishes to speak with you. She is up in the tower.”

I blinked at him, unsure of where to go. He pointed up and I followed with my gaze. I’d have to go into the Great Hall to get up there. I ran up the stairs and up the next set to get in, and then through the door where Varric was standing next to the fireplace. The rotunda had been occupied by Solas, who was holding a paintbrush and painting on the walls. I ran up the next flight up stairs, where I found Dorian in the library. He was occupied looking through the books, and I ran up the other flight of stairs to get to where I was meant to go. Leliana was sitting at a table, reading a letter. She looked up as I approached.

“Oh, Valora,” she said softly.  
“Cullen said you wanted to speak with me?”  
“Yes. He asked me to look into your brother, and I have some good news.”  
My heart leapt up into my throat. “You do?”  
“He was found in Redcliffe buying supplies to make the journey back to Val Royeaux. However, when my scouts brought your name up, he insisted on coming here to offer any support he can.”  
“Gaish is...coming here?”  
“He said he will stay long enough to make sure you are comfortable, and return to his wife after.”  
“Thank you.”

Just as I turned to walk away, Leliana called out to me.

“Valora, I owe you an apology,” she admitted.  
“Why?” I wondered, turning toward her.  
She sighed and stood from her seat. “The morning after you arrived, I wasn’t the kindest to you. I judged you too quickly, and decided to overpass you and go to Dorian. He gave me your documents from when he smuggled you out of Tevinter. Valora, I am...so sorry. I should not have been so harsh with you about your effect on the men here. It is...not your fault and I realize that now.”  
“I said he could give you my documents.”  
“I thought as much. After everything that’s happened to you…”  
“Do not bring it up, please. The nightmares are enough.”

She sighed, nodding, and returned to her letter. When I went back outside to return to my room, I saw Cole wandering over to the tavern. He stopped and looked at me.

“Hello,” he said gently.  
I waved at him. “Are you staying, Cole?”  
“Yes. The Inquisitor said I could. He said I should talk to you. I realize why, now.”  
I cocked my head at him. “Hm?”  
“No,” Dorian snapped, coming up behind me. “No reading Valora; not yet.”  
“But…” Cole started to protest.  
“ _No_.”  
“Reading me?” I asked, confused.  
“Cole is a spirit who came through the Fade, darling.”

I looked at Cole. He was a spirit? But he looked human, and he so clearly wasn’t possessing a body. If he could “read” me, then...he would find out everything, wouldn’t he?

“I’m sorry,” Cole mumbled. “You’re hurting now and I can’t help.”  
“I am not hurting,” I told him, even though it was a lie. “Um, I need to go be alone for a bit. I will come find you later, Dorian.”

As I was walking back toward the stairs so I could return to my room, Solas came out of the Great Hall. I stopped in my tracks and looked up at him. It seemed as if he was looking or listening for something. Suddenly he ran down the stairs, and then down to the area where the doctor was. I ran over to the wall to look at what he was running for; there were two Inquisition scouts firmly holding a dazed looking female elf.

“ _Vhenan_!” Solas exclaimed, embracing her. “ _Ma’ lath_!”  
“Oh, dear,” Dorian sighed. “Looks like we may have another join us. Come, Valora, let us not eavesdrop.”


	4. Chapter 4

I knocked on the door where Cullen gave out orders from and walked through the open door. He was hunched over his desk, papers strewn about his desk. He looked up and, when he saw it was me, stood up straight. I was carrying a plate of food for him since he hadn’t shown up for dinner again. He’d been at breakfast for only a few short moments and hadn’t even shown for lunch. I set the plate down on his desk away from the papers.

“You didn’t have to,” he sighed.  
“But I did,” I replied.  
“I haven’t had much of an appetite as of late, but I promise you I will try my best. Now that you’re here, I have to ask. How are you with that young man -- Cole?”  
“I have not gone out with him yet. Dorian does _not_ want him to ‘read’ me.”  
“Well, thank the Maker for that. The things he can scrounge up from your head…” He shook his head. “Have you eaten already?”  
“Yes. I waited to see if you would come over, but you did not, so, clearly, I brought the food to you.”  
“Well, thank you. I will try to come down tomorrow morning...and afternoon...and evening… But there is much to be done--”  
“Cullen.”

He scratched the back of his neck, closed his eyes, and sighed.

“Are you sure you are okay?” I wondered. “I was just going to return to my room, but if you would like company…”  
“Uh…” He cleared his throat. “Yes. No; you shouldn’t. You should go rest.”  
“I have not been sent out in a few weeks. Solas wants to make sure Neri gets comfortable fighting again.”  
“You must be feeling restless.”  
“I am okay. I will leave you be.”

Cassandra came into the room just as I turned around. She looked from me to Cullen and then back to me. She sighed and handed me a note that was rolled up to look like a scroll. It was from the Inquisitor; Neri had gotten injured and he needed me to replace her immediately. I was to go to the Hinterlands as soon as possible. Dorian wasn’t with them to tell the Inquisitor not to ask for me.

Neri was that elf the Inquisition scouts had brought back, the one who looked dazed. She had been found stumbling around in the Fallow Mire, apparently speaking utter nonsense about the fade. Upon their approach, she had merely attempted to try and defend herself from who she thought were would-be attackers. They’d been able to subdue her, and that is why she had come into the hold as dazed as she had been. I didn’t know how she and Solas knew each other, but they were close enough that she allowed him to touch her when other’s could not.

I set out to the Hinterlands as soon as I got all my things together. There was a campsite that overlooked a cliff; I found the Inquisitor, Cole, and...Dorian. He did not look pleased at all. I thought he wasn’t with them. It was too late for me to turn around or for him to try and request someone else take my place or to send Cole back.

“The Iron Bull decided to go back with Neri,” Dorian explained when I dropped my travelling pack on the ground. “I was not aware you were coming.”  
“We...have no warriors, then,” I mentioned.  
“We’ll be fine,” the Inquisitor replied.  
“Dorian, are you okay? You look upset…”  
“Ah, pay no mind to my face, darling.”  
“But I like your face.”

Dorian gave me a sly grin and then frowned. Cole was poking around the bushes just behind us. I looked back at him; it appeared that he wasn’t listening, but he was tricky. Most of the time no one knew he was around until he spoke up.

“I thought we were finished with the Hinterlands, Lavellan,” I wondered aloud.  
“Solas found quite a large rift behind the farm,” the Inquisitor replied. “We were meant to close it today, but you read the note.”

I looked at Dorian, but the Inquisitor kept speaking.

“Neri appreciates the Fade almost as much as Solas, but she can feel the spirits even before they’re in our world,” he explained. “She can speak to them without entering the Fade in her dreams.” He looked at his hand that was glowing green. “She’s drawn to this. Anyway, she refused to attack a Rage demon and she got burned.”  
“Is that not dangerous for everyone else?” I asked, alarmed.  
“Solas insists that she’ll get better. She’s still new.”  
“So is Cole and he does what needs to be done.”  
“I trust Solas, Valora.”

I left it at that and looked around. There hadn’t been much time to look at the Hinterlands’ wilderness while I had been leading the druffalo back to the farm. But now that I was sitting down in front of a campfire and the sun was going down, I could see that the wilderness was beautiful. Rams were grazing and eating grass, and Fennec’s were running around chasing each other; birds were getting ready to settle in for the night and the owls were getting ready to come out.

“Lavellan, am I allowed to go for a walk?” I asked.  
“Sure. Just don’t wander too far from camp.”

I got up from where I was sitting and wandered out into the fields. I’d never truly been out in the fields on my own before; Val Royeaux was all city, as was the Imperium, for the most part. I stayed close enough to camp that I could see the fire but far enough I could actually feel like I was alone. I sat down in the field. I was alone for a while until I heard a rustling from behind me. When I turned to look, it was Cole, carrying a bunch of crystal grace.

“There is a lot of pain in your heart,” he said, holding the bunch out to me, “but Dorian said I can’t read you, help you.”  
I took the flowers from him slowly. “Thank you.”  
“You want to be alone now.”

I looked up from the flowers and he was gone. Looking around, he was nowhere to be found. Had he returned to camp that quickly? Impossible. I did appreciate the flowers, of course. I wasn’t one for bouquets, but crystal grace was my favourite flower. It was used in potions, mostly, and they were extremely difficult to come by. They were so pretty, and rare -- so rare they couldn’t even be found in Val Royeaux unless one went to a merchant, and by then they were dried and only to be used in potions.

When I returned to camp, everyone was getting ready to head to their tents. I didn’t have a tent; there were two to a tent. Cole didn’t sleep, but I didn’t want to be with someone I didn’t know quite yet. Dorian wasn’t fond of the idea of Cole and I sharing a tent, either.

“You can share my tent, Valora,” he said.  
I hesitated for a moment. “Thank you, Dorian.”

Cole was looking curiously in our direction, but I immediately looked away and went into Dorian’s tent.  
***

“My feet hurt,” Dorian sighed as we exited the cave where the rift had been.  
“Would you like me to give you a foot rub when we get back to Skyhold?” I asked, cracking my neck.  
“I think I would rather like that.”  
“Stop flirting, you two,” the Inquisitor requested, though it sounded like he was just teasing.  
“Cole, you have been rather quiet,” I mentioned.  
“Leave him be, darling,” Dorian urged.

We were walking in the direction of Skyhold, but the Inquisitor looked at the ground; there was a piece of parchment laying under a rock. Now instead of returning to Skyhold we were going to deliver Felandaris to some statue on the other side of the Hinterlands.

“Have I mentioned my feet hurt?” Dorian wondered.  
“We just need to get this done and then we can go home,” the Inquisitor replied.

I looked at Dorian, who looked to be stressed out. The Hinterlands were wide and far; I’d not seen much of it, obviously, but from what I was told just when you thought you’d seen everything, there was more. There always seemed to be more. Nevertheless, we began following Lavellan. It wasn’t until we were perhaps most of the way to the statue that Cole spoke up for the first time since the night before.

“Handsome, hurrying, helping… Soft tugs as he braids my hair…”

My face felt hot and I looked at the ground, my eyes wide. I peeked at Dorian and he looked slightly confused; he was looking at the Inquisitor. He was thinking that Cole was reading the Inquisitor?

“How do I tell him…?” Cole continued, his voice quiet. “His skin is soft and his voice is like honey…”  
“Valora, are you all right, darling?” Dorian asked suddenly.  
“Lavellan, I would very much like to return to Skyhold!” I exclaimed.

Everyone stopped and looked at me. I wasn’t on the verge of tears, but perhaps I had a fairly frenzied expression on my face. I was truly horrified and I didn’t want Cole to read my mind any further. I completely understood Dorian’s reluctance to have me be around him, now. I couldn’t look at anyone; if I came close to looking at someone, I quickly looked back at the ground.

“We just need to do this one thing and then we can be on our way,” the Inquisitor said, sounding confused.  
“No, we really need to return,” I pressed. “Now. Urgently. Please.”  
The Inquisitor looked at Cole and then back at me. “Did Cole just read you?”  
“That is...not the point.”  
“Either way, we’ll finish this up and return to Skyhold.”

Without another peep from Cole or myself, we made it to the statue we had to leave the Felandaris with. It had been an offering of some type, allowing a Shade to be summoned. It was quickly disposed of and I made the quick decision that I wasn’t going to return to Skyhold with the other three. I ran as fast as I could to where our mounts were awaiting us. Despite the Inquisitor’s protests, I headed back to Skyhold on my own. It wasn’t long until he returned to Skyhold himself and found me in my room, pacing back and forth. What was I worrying over? Would Dorian ignore what Cole said? I sighed and looked at Lavellan.

“You need to tell me what happened,” he said.  
“No, I do not,” I snapped.  
“Valora, I can’t help you if you don’t--”  
“I am not supposed to be travelling with Cole.”  
“Why? Because he can read people? Valora, he’s mentioned many things in front of people that--”  
“I know he reads people, but the things he could find--”

I immediately shut my mouth when Dorian strolled in. Lavellan promptly left, shaking his head. Did Dorian realize what the issue was? I’d never addressed it; I’d never told him. Cole went ahead and outed me right in front of Dorian.

“Was that from when you were not sure how to tell me what was going on at home?” Dorian asked.  
“Yes…” I lied.  
“No, it wasn’t.”  
I sighed. “Dorian…”  
“Would you at least look at me while we are talking?”

I forced myself to do it, but my face didn’t feel right. I didn’t know how to feel. Did I feel angry? Sad? Relieved? I didn’t want to think Cole, as gentle and quiet as he was, would do something to hurt anybody that didn’t deserve it. Could he control being inside one’s head or not? How did a power such as that work? It clearly wasn’t magic.

“Well, don’t you look angry.” Dorian walked over to me. “If I smiled would that make you relax?”  
“I am not mad at you. I am mad at myself for allowing Cole to be inside my head.”  
He shook his head. “Cole will be in there whether you allow him to or not. You can ask him to stop, but it is almost as if he cannot control it himself.” Dorian sat on the edge of my bed and pat the area next to him. “Come; let us talk.”

I sat next to him, looking at the ground. This was the man who had seen me at my worst so many times. He’d held me when I cried to him and comforted me when I needed it. I’d told him so many of my secrets, and he’d told me many of his in return. Of course, there were things I had never thought to tell him, such as what Cole had pulled out of my head.

“Would I be so bold as to say I know he was talking about me?” he asked.  
“How could you tell?” I sniffled.  
“If memory serves, I am the only one who is allowed to touch your hair. You do not even allow Gaish to touch it. So do tell me what happened there, my dear; no need to be embarrassed.”  
“Promise?”  
“I promise.”

It took me a moment to find the words I needed. Dorian was my best friend and I didn’t want to ruin that, or make it awkward, or scare him away. Once I told him, things would be different. We could pretend things weren’t different, but they _would_ be. He was the only person in the hold I could really talk to. If that got ruined, then...then who could I confide in when I needed to?

“I did not know at that time that you preferred men,” I admitted. “But I still did not know how to tell you that I… When you told me, I had to lock it away inside my head. I wanted to tell you, but I couldn’t.”  
“You couldn’t what?”  
“That I...really liked you…”  
“Valora, you came to see me almost everyday and night -- I should hope that you liked me.”  
“Dorian, you know that I am trying to tell you that that I…” I groaned, frustrated.  
“Of course I know what you are trying to say, darling; I just want to hear you say it yourself.”  
“I loved you. I still do. But…”  
“Well, can’t say I’m surprised. Look at me. _I’m gorgeous_.”

I looked at him with a quiet sigh. How full of himself he was. Yet, he did exude the kind of confidence I could only ever dream of having. I knew that he wasn’t completely without faults; no one was, but he wouldn’t be the first to admit such a thing.

“I have always known, Valora.” Dorian rolled his eyes. “I did not pester you about it because I knew you were embarrassed.”  
“Really?!” I gasped, covering my face.  
He chuckled. “Truly, I cannot blame you. But do tell me, what is your favourite part about me? Other than my fabulous face.”  
“You are kind, Dorian.” I dropped my hands down into my lap. “Even if you act pompous, underneath all that you are a kind and caring person. You did not have to help me and you did not have to come here, but you did. You want to make things right and that is good.”  
“Well, thank you for thinking of me as a good person.” He wrapped an arm around my shoulder and kissed the side of my head. “Don’t go telling everyone else about that, now,” he added jokingly. “We wouldn’t want to ruin my reputation.”  
I giggled. “No, we would not.”  
“Now, stop your blubbering and come get food when you’re ready.” He stood up and walked over to the door, before turning back to me. “If it means anything to you, Valora, I love you, too.”

He left, shutting the door behind him. I sat there for a moment, allowing myself to calm down. After collecting myself and making sure I didn’t look like a complete mess, I wandered over to Cullen’s office. He was hunched over papers, again.

“Cullen?” I asked.

He quickly stood up, resting his hands on the hilt of his sword. He had thought I was Cassandra, since he had exclaimed her name. Not many people took to calling him by his name, it seemed. When he saw it was me, he sighed and relaxed his body. But then he _realized_ it was me and looked away, flustered.

“Will you come get food with me?” I requested.  
“I…” he stammered. “There is much to be done, still.”  
“There is always going to be many things that need to be done. And if I have learned anything about you, you still need to eat today because you did not go for breakfast or lunch.”

He looked at me with another sigh, before walking over to me.

“Alright; but just for thirty minutes,” he told me.

Cullen did _not_ stay in the food hall for thirty minutes; he stayed for nearly three hours and actually spent time with everyone. It was nice to actually see him relaxing for once, even if he mentioned he had to get back to work several times. I was cautious about it; each time he mentioned the papers he’d left strewn on his desk, he would look at me with an expression I didn’t recognize. It didn’t look malicious -- but I didn’t know what it meant. After, when everyone was going to settle in for the night, I walked with Cullen back to my room since his office was on the other side of it.

“If you are not down in the food hall in the morning, I will bring you a plate,” I mentioned.  
“That…” Cullen sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. “There is no sense in arguing against it, is there?”  
“Afraid not. Goodnight, Cullen. Try to get some sleep tonight, okay?”

His lips twitched into a quick smile before he turned and walked away. Just as I was closing my door behind him, Iron Bull made himself known by knocking on the other door. I opened the door he was knocking on; he was taller than the door frame, and so he had to bend over slightly to make eye contact with me.

“Need any company tonight?” he asked with a wink.  
“Sure, send Cremisius up,” I replied sarcastically before slamming the door shut.  
“Okay! Okay, I get it! You’re playing hard to get now! Ain’t gonna give up, though.”  
***

Solas assured Lavellan that Neri was alright to go out into the field; for real this time. I went with the Inquisitor, Neri, and Iron Bull -- not only was I nervous around Neri, I was also nervous around Iron Bull. He had saved my life, yes, but the curse set on me had him hooked on me and there were no signs of stopping. I heard around Skyhold, just from ladies having conversations, that he slept with almost every lady, but he seemed to really want me in bed. I’d even learned that I was far from his type -- his type was redheads, and I was nowhere near a redhead. My hair was as black as a midnight sky with no stars. 

Why couldn’t the Inquisitor have at least chosen to bring Dorian instead of Neri? Or Cassandra or Blackwall instead of Iron Bull? Every time we got into a fight with bandits or demons, Iron Bull would look in my direction to make sure I had seen what he did. Most of our fights consisted of Iron Bull completely obliterating _something_ with his horns. Even if Neri had a quiet voice, I’d rather that she spoke up instead of Iron Bull constantly trying to talk to me about how our fights went. Even if she had only been in the hold for less than a week, I had only heard her speak twice. The way I knew it, she hated speaking the Common Tongue and preferred to speak in Elven. She spoke through Solas, for the most part.

“Neri?” I asked gently.

She looked at me, her eyes wide. She really wasn’t used to being spoken to by anyone else other than Solas and the Inquisitor. Not even the other Elves in the hold would talk to her because they thought she was strange. One Elf like Solas without the tattoos was strange enough; _two_ of them was even stranger. Did they think she was some kind of witch? Well, she also was a mage, but that didn’t stop others from talking to Solas.

“You are really quiet,” I mentioned. “Are you okay?”  
“Solas…” she squeaked.

She was uncomfortable, too. It was none of my business as to why she didn’t want to be around anyone other than Solas; clearly she trusted him and they’d known each other for a long time. It must have been even worse that she was with a human and a Qunari, too, and the Inquisitor was no help. He didn’t care for anyone’s feelings other than getting the job done these days. Well, the only other person he cared for was Cassandra.

“Solas can’t always be here, Neri,” Lavellan told her. “Just like how Dorian can’t always be here for Valora. You’re both adults; start acting like it.”  
“I did not do anything,” I muttered.  
“We’re setting up camp here.” He handed a scroll over to Neri. “This is for Sera. Neri, you can return to Skyhold. You’ve done enough.”

The Inquisitor had barely finished speaking before Neri took off in the direction we had left our mounts. It was going to be awhile before Sera was going to show up; I crawled into my tent to be alone. The Inquisitor seemed to be in a worse mood than usual; what was wrong with him? I didn’t want to talk to him if he was going to be snippy; maybe I’d wait until we returned to the hold to ask Cassandra if everything was fine. Who wanted to follow a leader who didn’t care about his companions?

Sera showed up, joked around with Iron Bull for a while, and then went to her own tent and promptly passed out for the night. Good; if we weren’t going to be travelling during the night, I’d try to get some sleep, too. Well, I did try. I had nightmares all night. If Dorian had been there, I’d easily crawl into his tent if he wasn’t sharing; I’d ask him to come to mine if he _was_ sharing. Every time I tried to get back to sleep, I’d just continue to have the same nightmare as the one before I woke up. I was exhausted in the morning, though I tried to make sure that not even Iron Bull would notice. Much to my chagrin, he _had_ noticed.

“Heard you tossing and turning last night,” Iron Bull said. “You know, if you have trouble sleeping at night, bet I could tire you out real quick.”  
I looked up at him. “No, thank you.”  
“No, no, I mean it.”  
“I would sooner let Sera into my bed roll.”  
Sera looked up from the fire; she was cooking sausages. “What; really?!” she asked, sounding excited.  
“Sera doesn’t have horns for you to grab onto while she makes you scream, though,” Iron Bull said as if he was reminding me that he was, in fact, a Qunari.  
“Bull…” the Inquisitor sighed, exasperated.  
I cowered slightly, feeling my eyes well up with tears. “Lavellan…”  
“Okay, okay.” He wrote up a quick scroll before handing it to me. “Give it to Solas. I’m sure whatever’s wrong, you’ll need Dorian there.”  
“Was it something I said?” Iron Bull asked as I ran off.

I returned to Skyhold as quickly as I was able. Solas was painting the walls, still, in the rotunda, while Neri sat at the desk, just watching him. She looked at me as I walked up to him and handed him the scroll. I didn’t stay to see her reaction to hearing that he needed to leave for the time being and headed up to my room. Dorian found me not too long after, tossing things around and throwing breakable objects at the walls. I almost threw something at him when he walked through the door thinking he was Iron Bull or even Lavellan. He looked at the room and then my tear stained face.

“Well, it wasn’t Cole,” he said. “He was in the hold the whole time you were gone. Was it the Iron Bull again or was it Sera’s ridiculous jokes?”  
“It is my curse and Iron Bull!” I shouted, throwing the flower pot at the wall.  
Dorian sighed, walking over to me and taking the other flower pot I was holding. “Care to tell me what he did this time?”  
“It was about his stupid horns.”  
“Oh, dear.”  
“It was not like _that_ , Dorian.” I wiped my eyes with a sniffle. “They are something I can hold onto while I scream.”

Dorian frowned. Ordinarily, he was fine with jokes like that, but when they were directed at me by someone like Iron Bull, they weren’t anything he could tolerate. I continued to tell him how long it took Lavellan to allow me to return back to Skyhold. If I was not in the right mind to concentrate on what needed to be done, how could he fault me for that if he did not help?

“The Inquisitor has not been very friendly lately, has he?” Dorian asked. “I can speak with Leliana and show him the documents, if you wish.”  
“I think he would prefer to hear it from me,” I struggled to say. “But I am not ready to tell anyone else yet.”  
“As you wish, darling.”

Cullen had to walk through my room in order to get to the other side. He looked around, confused. My guess was that he hadn’t been expecting to walk into such a mess. He rubbed the back of his neck with a quiet sigh.

“Maker, what happened here?” he muttered, not taking notice of us.  
“Oh, good, our wonderful Commander has come out of his office,” Dorian teased.

Cullen went rigid and looked in mine and Dorian’s direction. I immediately looked away, but it was too late; he had seen my face.

“What happened?” he asked.  
“The Iron Bull,” Dorian replied.  
“I am...going to go speak with Cremisius…” I stammered, quickly leaving my room.

Cremisius spent his time in the tavern, usually with a bottle of wine in his hand. This time he didn’t have the wine and was instead sitting on a bar stool with a mug of ale in his hand.

“Before you say anything,” he said when I approached him, “you can call me Krem.”  
“You always tell me that,” I sniffled.  
“I’m waiting for you to actually call me Krem so I can stop saying it.” He pat the bar stool next to him. “Why the long face?”  
I sat down with a shaky sigh. “U-Um… Is Iron Bull always so…”  
“Uh-oh. What’d he say or do this time?”

I told him what his boss had said; unfortunately, he had been taking a big gulp from his mug and ended up spluttering and almost choking. Even if he had been with Iron Bull for so long, maybe some things that came out of his mouth were still shocking enough to illicit a violent reaction.

“Sounds like the Chief, alright,” he sighed as he wiped his mouth. “Are you okay?”  
“I am better now that I am back in the hold,” I replied.  
“You’re the first ‘proper’ Tevinter lady he’s met, right. Most Tevinter ladies are sharp and when they get offended, they get offended with magic and knives.”  
“M-My mother was like that…before she...”  
“Not you, though. So something _must_ have happened to you. I’m not judging, Valora; believe me. We all have our secrets.”  
“If Iron Bull was not... _Iron Bull_...I would be fine with him. It-It has nothing to do with his being a Qunari; th-that part is fine. It is the things he says.”  
“He’s hard to get along with, I know. Wouldn’t be with him if he hadn’t saved my life.”

I leaned forward onto the counter.

“You all right?” Cremisius asked.  
“You are from Tevinter, yes? Your name sounds Tevinter.”  
“I am. Why do you ask?”  
“Do you know my whole name?”  
“I told you that I wasn’t judging you, Valora; I know about your curse. That’s why I said something must have happened in order for you to be more...is timid the word? Let’s just say it is. It has the Chief real good.”  
“What about you?” I looked at him.  
Cremisius chuckled. “No. I learned a long time ago how someone can tell that they’re not being affected by your curse.”  
“I...I do not even know how…”  
He took a sip of his ale, giving me a sneaky smile. “Next time the Chief wants to talk to you, ask him why he likes you. If he can’t mention anything on the inside… Well…”  
“Thank you, Krem. Wait… Do you like me?”  
“I see what you’re trying to do, Valora.” He sighed and turned his whole body towards me. “I like you, but I don’t _like_ you enough to bed you.”  
I sighed with relief. “Thank you.”  
“Now go clean up your face. There’s at least one person in this hold who would hate to see you this way.”

I left the tavern and returned to my room. I was uncomfortable, still, but it was tolerable. I wasn’t looking forward to having to look Iron Bull in the face and ask why he liked me. If Varric hadn’t been acting like he was interested in me just to make Iilena feel jealous, I would have been inclined to ask him, too. I also knew for a fact that Sera had no interest in me; she had just gotten excited that she could get into somebody’s bed roll and could joke about it later on.

“Waiting, wanting, wishing to forget… But you don’t want to forget; not really.”

I jumped and looked up at the ceiling. Cole was standing in the rafters. I had no idea he was even there until he spoke. How long had he been there? Had he witnessed the throwing of the flower vases and other breakable objects? Had he witnessed the truth finally coming out to Dorian?

“Cole, are you trying to scare me to death?” I gasped. “Get down from there before you hurt yourself, please!”

I blinked and he was no longer in the rafters, but rather in front of me. I still hated how he managed to do such a thing; it was strange and creepy. A lot of the time someone never even realized Cole was around because he was so quiet and he could just disappear and reappear elsewhere.

“I cannot forget, Cole,” I sighed.  
“But I could help you forget,” he protested. “But...Dorian would get mad at me…”  
“I have to speak with Iron Bull about it and if I forget, everyone would be confused.”

It looked as if he was about to speak; however, there was a knock on one of my door’s and in came the Inquisitor. Everyone was back already? Now, this was a man who didn’t look happy in the slightest. I suspected that with Neri’s hesitant behaviour toward fighting demons and her clinging to Solas mixed with my dislike of Iron Bull and Cole’s reading was taking a toll on his patience.

“I can’t keep sending people back here because they’re uncomfortable and that includes you,” he explained.

I looked around; Cole was gone. If he had been there still, then maybe I wouldn’t have been shaking from the idea of having to speak my mind to Lavellan on my own. If he was just a mere scout, there would be no shaking involved and there was no need to be afraid. But with how he was treating others, I was worried he would try to send me away for undermining him somehow.

“What Iron Bull said was uncalled for,” I told him. “And I may be an adult, but adults are still allowed to feel uncomfortable.”  
“Listen--”  
“No, you listen, Lavellan! You do not know me and you do not know my life! Now where is Iron Bull; I need to speak to him!”  
The Inquisitor rolled his eyes. “In the tavern, I would imagine.”  
“I am sorry for yelling at you, but it is the truth! You do not know what my family made me go through!” I let out a huff and clenched my hands into fists.  
He blinked at me. “It’s fine.”

I stormed out of my room, again, and down to the tavern. Iron Bull was in the same chair he always sat against the wall. Inhaling sharply, I briskly walked up to him and grabbed his hand to take him outside. Cremisius just looked at me, amused. He had said to wait until Iron Bull wanted to talk to me again, but I had to get it out of the way.

“What’s up?” Iron Bull asked when we got outside the tavern. “Gonna take me up on that--”  
“Why do you like me?” I interrupted.  
“What.”  
“I said, why do you like me? You would not want to sleep with me if you did not like me in some way.”  
“You’re hot.”  
“Come again?”  
“I said, you’re hot.”  
“That’s… That’s it?”  
“You got a nice ass, too.”

The curse definitely had him. If I asked someone who wasn’t falling to the curse, I was sure they would tell me something they liked about me that wasn’t physical. I almost felt sick to my stomach knowing just how bad it had its hold on Iron Bull.

“Bull, there is no way to say this nicely, so I am just going to say it,” I sighed. “I do not like you.”  
He frowned. “Was it something I said?”  
“It was something you said and did. And, er, you are not my type.”  
“I’m not your type as in I’m _Qunari_?”  
“Bull, if you were not so straightforward about your want to bed me and if you were not so arrogant, then perhaps I may like you.”  
He groaned. “It’s the horns, isn’t it?”  
“Bull! It has nothing to do with how you look!”

I turned on my heel and stomped my way to the food hall; it was nearly time for dinner and I just wanted to put something else on my mind. Surely Iron Bull was used to people not liking him? Then, maybe it was just he wasn’t used to _women_ not liking him? Plenty of women in the hold seemed to like the idea of a rather large strong brute. Or maybe it was just the fact he managed to get the “job” done.

“Valora, dear, you look flushed,” Dorian mentioned as he approached me.  
“I spoke with Iron Bull,” I replied.  
“Ah. I take it he didn’t take your rejection well.”  
“He thinks it has to do with him being a Qunari and his horns.”  
“Well, you may want to have a chat with our dear Commander next.”  
“I do not want to think of it; I may lose my appetite.”  
“You will have to take him his dinner again, I’m afraid. I wandered past his office and he looked to be very focused on his work.”  
“Who is?” a voice asked from behind us.

We turned to look; it was Cullen, but he was avoiding looking at me.

“Ah, speak of the devil,” Dorian mused.  
“After the day you seemed to have, I did not want you to have to go hunting for me,” Cullen admitted, looking at me but then blushing and promptly looking away.  
“ _Chivalry_.”

Suddenly, Leliana called out for Cullen; she needed to speak with him and mentioned he could eat later. He looked disappointed that he had to leave, but left anyway. He looked back at me slyly before quickly following Leliana out of the food hall.

“Oh, darling, he is so in love with you,” Dorian teased.  
I blushed. “N-No…”  
“Come sit with me.”


	5. Chapter 5

“No one promised me a dragon on this mission,” I complained.  
“The fire was very pretty,” Cole said.

Dorian, Lavellan, and I looked at him; he had been quiet the whole time. A lot of the time I forgot he was around; he must have been talked to by someone after the incident with Dorian. He had read me that once in my room at Skyhold, but that was it -- and it wasn’t as embarrassing, either.

“Cole, there was no fire,” Dorian said, puzzled. “That dragon was purely electric.”  
“Valora’s fire,” Cole replied. “It’s very pretty.”  
“My fire looks like Dorian’s fire,” I interjected, just as puzzled.  
“No, it doesn’t. Your fire looks light blue.”  
“Do you mean my actual magic?”  
“Yes.”  
“Then...what does Dorian’s look like if my magic looks blue?”  
“It’s purple. But I like the light blue more.”

I wanted to hurry up and return to Skyhold; I wanted to speak with Cullen. It had been a few days since I had spoken to Iron Bull about his crush on me and Dorian was getting antsy about my putting the chat with Cullen off. What was I supposed to do? If anything, I didn’t want to upset the man in charge of the people with swords and staffs -- and the siege equipment. Ordinarily, no one would have to worry about being attacked by siege equipment by someone they thought they could trust, but the curse really made people do some really strange things. Once in Val Royeaux a highly respected noble had stripped himself down, all the way to his skin, and run through the market to declare his love for me. Madame Vivienne and I suffered great embarrassment and, even as he was being hauled away to “cool down” in a jail cell, he continued to proclaim his undying love for a “Tevinter goddess”. It was silly and definitely could definitely get a chuckle nowadays, but at the time it was very terrifying.

“That _is_ silly,” Cole said quietly.  
“What’s silly?” the Inquisitor asked.  
“It is okay, Cole,” I murmured. “You can say it.”  
“Prancing, praying, proving his love… Madame de Fer covers my eyes. What is he doing…?”  
“Oh.” Dorian let out a nervous chuckle. “What is happening here?”  
Cole looked at him. “Men like proving their love to women by running naked through a marketplace?”

The way Cole had asked Dorian about it had been so blunt, so straightforward, that I had no way to hold back my laugh. It even got a good chuckle out of the Inquisitor.

“What?” Dorian gasped. “Valora, dear, you never told me about this! What a scandal that would have caused.”  
“It did cause a scandal,” I replied, trying to catch my breath. “Monsieur Robiquet is still trying to recover.”  
“Oh, my.”  
“Last time I saw him, it was when Madame de Fer held the party Lavellan was invited to.”  
“Was he the one by the wine the whole time?” the Inquisitor asked.  
“The one picking at the ham from Antiva and drinking wine like his life depended on it? Yes.”  
“It’s not real love,” Cole chimed in. “Not really.”  
I sighed. “No, it is not.”  
“I’m sorry.”

Not much was said for a few moments, until from behind us Dorian groaned. Lavellan, Cole, and I turned to look at him.

“Maker, my boots!” he complained.

Our footsteps had weakened the soil just enough for the mud underneath to come up when Dorian stepped on the patch. He had just been pulling his foot out of the ground when we looked at him. He really didn’t like Crestwood; then again, he didn’t like much of the places we went. Emprise du Lion was too cold, the Western Approach was too hot, the Hinterlands had too many hills, the Exalted Plains smelled of burning bodies… The only place he didn’t exactly complain about was the Emerald Graves, at least not while I was around.

“I can clean them when we get back to Skyhold,” I offered.  
“Valora, stop coddling him,” the Inquisitor told me.  
“No.”

The Inquisitor immediately decided it was time for us to return to Skyhold. According to him, I was behaving like a brat -- again -- and wanted to continue Crestwood’s errands at a later date. Dorian and I exchanged glances as we made our way back to where we had left our mounts. We were both amused and unamused at the same time. That was another conversation I needed to have, but I needed to speak with Cassandra first.

Back at Skyhold, Dorian switched out his boots and gave me the ones he declared were ruined. They weren’t going to be ruined for long -- it was just caked on mud. I’d cleaned up worse. I sat in the chair in the little nook he liked to spend his time by while he looked at books. I had told him a few times before that the boots were there so he didn’t have to deal with mud on his actual feet. Still, all his boots were expensive and I could understand why he’d get frustrated. Everyone’s boots were rather expensive, really; with all the running around and fighting we did, we couldn’t and wouldn’t be caught dead in cheap boots.

“How’s this?” I wondered.  
Dorian looked at me from the bookcase. “That looks fine, darling. Thank you.”

He didn’t _sound_ pleased.

“Are you okay, Dorian?” I murmured.  
“Did someone really think running naked through a marketplace would make you love them in return?” He shook his head and pulled a random book from the shelf.  
“Unfortunately.” I chuckled nervously. “I would take that a thousand times over... _that_.”  
“The elephant never truly leaves the room, does it?” Dorian sighed.  
“I am going to go speak with Cullen.”

Before I could leave, Dorian grabbed my arm. He thought for a moment.

“I still am sorry for not being able to do much else for you,” he said.  
“No more blaming yourself,” I told him. “It is not your fault and you know that.”  
“Do you know that?”  
“Of course I know it is not your--”  
“No; no, no. Do _you_ know that it is not your fault?”

While I knew it wasn’t my fault, there was still a big part of me that did think it was all my fault. I waited so long to tell somebody, anybody, about what was happening at home. I waited until it got too bad for me to ignore. If it had been anyone other than Dorian, I didn’t know if I would still be in Minrathous or if I would be in jail somewhere for “blasphemy”. The doubt must have been so evident on my face; Dorian pulled me into a hug.

“You will get there, darling,” he assured me.  
“Thank you,” I mumbled, patting his back.  
“Alright; that is enough from me, even as much as I know you love listening to me talk.”

We kissed each others cheeks and I went on my way to find Cullen. He was in his office, as usual, flipping through reports. Before I could announce myself, he looked up from the papers and almost dropped them at the sight of me.

“It’s--It’s not dinner time yet, is it?” he asked, flustered. “Surely not.”  
“It is not. I just wanted to ask you something, i-if that is okay.”  
Cullen cleared his throat. “Of course.”  
“Do you...like me?”  
“I come see you as often as I can in the dining--”  
“That is not what I mean.” I inhaled sharply. “Do you… I mean...you get flustered every time you see me, so…”  
“Oh. _Oh_.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “Oh, Maker...”

It wouldn’t surprise me that he would get flustered with me just because I was pretty. I wasn’t vain -- I _knew_ I was pretty simply because of the curse. Men and women who weren’t affected by the curse had told me time and time again about how pretty I was, how gorgeous I looked, how beautiful just my face was. I’d known I was prettier than most people from a very young age. I swore it all had to do with the contrast between my eyes and my skin.

I had met Dorian on a whim because of a party my parents held. He was three years older than me, and yet I hadn’t met him at all before then. We had heard stories of each other, of course -- Magister Pavus’ incredibly good looking son and Magister Assanius’ gorgeous daughter were talks that I frequently walked by. People spoke about how good looking our children would be if we were to ever marry -- I hadn’t even met him yet when I overheard that conversation.

“I-I do like you,” Cullen admitted. “Maker have mercy…”  
“Why?” I asked.  
“Beg your pardon?”  
“Why do you like me?”

Cullen looked nervous; _so_ incredibly nervous, it was almost adorable and sad at the same time. He was a former Templar, but even Templars were able to get caught in the curse. A few Templars at the Spire were disciplined for wandering away from their posts upon seeing me. It only took me three walks by the place to learn not to go there.

“Y-Your voice is lovely,” Cullen said. “And...you have a pretty laugh...and you are very sweet…” He cleared his throat, again.  
“And my face?” I wondered.  
“It...It is a face…”

I stared at him, unmoving. He’d gone and admitted that he had no interest in my face. The curse didn’t have him. All the stumbling he did, all the flustered smiles, all the stammering and panicking he did was natural. It was a massive relief to me, but then a wave of dread came over me. I didn’t understand. Most people had only ever seen me at face value; even the people in the hold only saw me at face value, save for some of the people I travelled with. The revelation that someone actually had feelings for me because of what was on the inside and not because of the curse horrified me. Cullen must have noticed I was horrified, because he began speaking and stumbled over his words.

“I-I am not saying you are not pretty,” he stammered. “You are a very beautiful woman; I-I just… Andraste, guide me… You must know you are pretty; Dorian tells you all the time, does he not?”  
“Cullen, I am not upset because you did not call me pretty,” I told him.  
“I-I did not…” He inhaled and then exhaled sharply to calm himself down. “I just assumed that you and Dorian…”  
“Me and Dorian, what?”  
“Is he not…” He rubbed the back of his neck. “Are you two not...involved? A-Are you all right? Your face is red.”  
“Dorian and I are not involved in that way.” I looked down, embarrassed. “We are just very good friends. What would…”  
“He is just always calling you pet names and kissing you; I assumed… I-I am very sorry.”

I didn’t look back up. That was embarrassing. He hadn’t told me how he felt about me because he thought Dorian and I were lovers? Dorian was going to enjoy that gossip later on, I was sure. I was at least glad to know that the only thing that had been stopping Cullen was Dorian’s dotage and his clear inexperience with women. I didn’t know much about Templars, but most of them were not permitted to be with anyone, and Cullen hadn’t been out of the Order for that long.

“The Iron Bull is...very... _talkative_...about you, too,” Cullen said.  
“I am not interested in him,” I mumbled, still not looking up.  
“Yes, I have noticed that you avoid him.”  
“Cullen?”  
“Yes.”  
“I am... I am a mage…” I finally looked up, biting my lip. “Does that not bother you?”  
“That…” He sighed, shaking his head. “I can see why that would be scary for you, but I am no longer a Templar, Valora.”  
“I have heard your opinions on the mages from Redcliffe we have in the hold. I know you do not want them locked up, per se, but...when this is all over...if it is ever over…”  
“I just want this over with like everyone else. It is not up to me what happens to mages after all this happens.”  
“It may not be up to you, but what do you _want_ to happen?”  
“I believe the mages should be watched, though if the Circles have taught us anything, it may not be the right choice. I know you have never been in a Circle.”  
“Most Tevinter mages never see the inside of a Circle because of training. If they do, it’s because their family is unable to provide said training. When I lived in Val Royeaux, I was taught by Madame de Fer.”  
“It has occurred to me I don’t know much about your past.”

I went rigid. No, I didn’t want to tell him about that. That was a conversation for another time or for a time that would never come up. If I could possibly be with him without allowing him to find out what happened at home with my family, that would be so much more preferable than having to speak a word of it.

“You’ve no need to tell me,” he said reassuringly, resting his hands on the hilt of his sword. “You need to think things over, it seems.”  
“Cullen…?”  
“I know fright when I see it. You _did_ ask, but wondering something and hearing it out of the horse’s mouth are two different things. That is not your fault.”

Cassandra came into the room to speak with Cullen, and so I took my leave. I retreated to my room, slammed the door shut, and leaned against it. My breathing was heavy. Had I really just pulled a confession out of Cullen on my own? I was horrified, but at the same time I was happy it was out of the way. He liked me and I liked him in return. But still, despite what he said about mages, would he be okay with me? What if something happened and I somehow ended up hurting him? What if he ended up hurting me?

“Dorian...” I mumbled, and then took off in a sprint. “Dorian!”

I ran by anyone who tried to stop me to see if something was wrong. If anyone was going to let Dorian find out about what I’d just done, it was going to be me. I didn’t want rumours to go around that I’d had the talk with Cullen and I hadn’t told my best friend about it before it reached him. Neri and Solas appeared startled as I burst through the rotunda’s door, but I still didn’t stop.

“Dorian!” I shouted, my voice cracking, as I sprinted up the stairs to the library.

Dorian was standing at the bookshelf, looking at the entrance to the stairs where I came out of. One of his eyebrows was raised in amusement with a smirk on his face. It was clear I wasn’t upset and nothing bad was happening; I was just out of breath.

“Care to tell me what this is about?” he teased.  
“I-I spoke...” I wheezed. “Cullen...”  
“Wonderful. When’s the wedding?”  
I inhaled sharply, catching some of my breath. “What do I do now, Dorian? I have never gotten this far. H-He knows I need to think things through since we are so different. There is much he knows of me, but he knows nothing of my past other than I come from Tevinter.”  
“I see how that would be a problem. If you give him your files, he may not understand why you would not tell him yourself. Otherwise, if you tell him outright, it may scare him off, yes?”

How could I tell Cullen? Telling Dorian had been different; I had no other choice but to tell him because I knew he would help me leave Tevinter. But this was different, or it certainly felt like it. I couldn’t expect everyone to understand the horrors of went on back home. I always prayed to the Maker and to Andraste to make it stop; it didn’t until Dorian helped me. There was nothing Cullen could help me with. I wanted to trust him, even if he was a former Templar. I was responsible with my magic, but would he think I could somehow come unhinged if my nightmares became too bad? I was scared to possibly be with him, yet I was also scared to run away. I’d not had to run away in a long time and I never thought it would cross my mind to do so again.

“A mage and a former Templar,” I huffed, sitting down in Dorian’s chair. “Is that not ironic?”  
“Quite dramatic, really,” he replied. “He chose to be a Templar, darling. We can try to set our staffs down and try to do without magic, but that is not possible. There are bad mages and good mages; just like how there are bad Templars and good Templars. There is good and bad among everyone, don’t you agree?”  
“Alright; you have made your point. But I still do not know what to do.”  
“Take your time to think about it. I am sure you will think of it sooner or later.”  
“Have you ever felt this way, Dorian? About somebody else? I have never heard you speak of anyone you may have liked.”  
“Who, me? At a loss of words? Perish the thought, Valora. I certainly have had my fair share of butterflies, of course.”  
“I will sleep on my decision for a day or two. Maybe then I will know what to do.”  
***

“So,” the Iron Bull said, “Solas, what’s the deal with you and Neri?”  
“How do you mean?” Solas replied.  
“Is she your kid or what? She’s always clinging to you.”

Lavellan and I looked at each other. Almost everyone knew that Solas and Neri were lovers. How did Iron Bull not know? Had he been too focused on me to notice? On another note, why did Iron Bull think that bringing up Solas’ relationship with Neri while we wandered through the Emerald Graves was appropriate? So many things he asked and simply said were inappropriate, yet no one exactly said anything. Lavellan would probably just tell me I was behaving like a brat or a child again if I spoke up.

“ _Vhenan_ ,” Solas merely replied.  
“Yeah, what’s that mean?” Iron Bull asked.  
“It means they’re lovers, Bull,” Lavellan said.

Solas, Lavellan, and I stopped walking when Iron Bull let out a booming laugh. What kind of reaction was that to hearing someone was in love? I looked at him, almost feeling the scowl on my face.

“I’ll bet you dominate her, huh?” he snorted.  
“I do not do anything that would bring her harm,” Solas immediately admitted.  
“What? Scared you’ll break her?”  
“Is this what men talk about when ladies are not around?” I interjected loudly. “Sweet Andraste, she is a living being, not an object.”  
“I do not want to discuss my relationship with Neri further,” Solas said.  
“Don’t let Valora spoil the conversation,” Iron Bull teased.  
“Yes, because it is _my_ fault that what happens in a relationship deserves to be private,” I scoffed.  
“Ah, you just need someone to bend you over a barrel.”  
“Kindly shut your mouth. This is one of the reasons why I do not like you.”  
“Alright, let’s all shut up and camp here for the night,” Lavellan announced. “Bull, you’re going back to Skyhold.”  
“What for?” Iron Bull demanded.  
“Valora is right. What happens in a relationship deserves to be private. Here’s the scroll to give to Blackwall.”

Iron Bull left. While I wasn’t glad that another man would be taking his place, I at least hoped that Blackwall wouldn’t try anything like Iron Bull did. The Emerald Graves was a beautiful place and I didn’t want that to be ruined by his choice of “civil conversation”. If he was asking about Solas’ love life, then he must have asked Cassandra about her love life with Lavellan whenever they were travelling together.

“This is for Dorian,” Lavellan told me as he handed me a scroll.  
“You are sending me home again?” I sighed. “But...”  
“For once, you’re not in trouble. Get going.”

I returned to Skyhold, disappointed. Of all the places I had to be sent away from, it had to be the Emerald Graves.

“Back already?” Dorian said as I came up the stairs.  
“Lavellan wants you out there instead,” I mumbled, handing the scroll to him.  
“Oh, dear. Did something happen with Bull again?”  
“Well, let us just say he is making me really think about speaking with Cullen.”  
“Don’t let him stop you. I’ll see you later.”  
“Wait. I know you will be late if we continue speaking, but I do need to tell you something else.”  
“Do.”  
“Cullen wanted to tell me he liked me before I asked him. The only reason he did not was because he thought you and I were...well...”

A look of amusement came over Dorian’s face. He definitely hadn’t expected for such a statement to begin coming out of my mouth. I’d been holding onto that fact for two days already and if I didn’t tell him before I spoke with Cullen for good, he would have eventually found out on his own. That wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, but I suspected he’d prefer to hear it from me.

“He thought he had some competition, I see,” Dorian teased. “Interesting, is it not?”  
“I believe Cullen was merely confused,” I replied. “You dote on me quite a bit.”  
“Shall I stop?”  
“What? No; you do not have to.”  
“Excellent. I enjoy teasing you. Now, then, I really must get going. Try not to vomit.”

I watched him as he walked away. I’d not felt like I was going to vomit while trying to speak with Cullen, but thanks to his mentioning it I wasn’t too sure if it wasn’t going to happen. There was no point waiting any longer. I wasn’t doing anything and I didn’t feel like locking myself in my room. With a deep breath, I headed up to where Leliana was.  
  
“How are you doing?” she asked before I could say anything.  
“I am trying to figure that out myself,” I admitted. “Leliana, I was wondering...”  
“If it is about your brother, he should be arriving any day now.”  
“That is good to know, but no. It is not about him. Do you...happen to have my files still or have you handed them back to Dorian?”

Leliana reached under her table and took out a book. My file was so extensive that it couldn’t have simply been placed in a folder and forgotten about. No, no; it had to be bound together with twine so as to keep it all together. I’d not seen it in years. It was much bigger than I remembered. She handed it to me and I hesitantly took it. The cover was worn from its journeys with Dorian. Now I definitely didn’t know how I felt, holding it in my hands. It held my secrets that only the officials in Tevinter, my family, Leliana, and Dorian knew. There were things written that even I didn’t know.

“May I ask what you are going to do with it?” Leliana asked, her voice catching my attention.  
“I am going to show it to Cullen,” I murmured.  
“Oh. I see. Is it because he is our military advisor or because of something else?”  
I held the book to my chest nervously. “Maybe we should say that perhaps I am not the kind of woman his family would like for him to take home.”

Before she could say anything else, I headed back downstairs. As unconfident as I was, I made my way to the battlements. I stopped just outside Cullen’s door, however; just because I wasn’t busy didn’t mean he wasn’t preoccupied. Well, when was he not preoccupied? As I was reaching for the door to open it, it opened toward me so quickly that I didn’t have time to move out of the way. It hit me directly in the face.

“Valora!” Cullen exclaimed. “Are you alright?”  
“I believe so.” I crinkled my nose. “It is not broken.”  
“F-Forgive me; I did not think anyone was behind the door.” He knelt down and picked up my files. “Here.”

I took it back from him, unsure of what to do. If he was leaving his office, that meant he was going to go do something else. I was beginning to really understand how I was feeling -- I was scared. What if after reading everything he decided I wasn’t worth his time? Would he even read it? After everything, was I just going to run away like a scared little girl?

“Are you sure you’re alright?” he asked gently. “You look frightened.”  
I shoved the files into his arms. “Read it!”  
“Er, uh, yes, of course... What is it?”  
“You will know once you begin reading.” I was slowly backing away to keep myself from grabbing it back again. “Please; I know you are busy, but you must read it.”

I headed to my room, where I found Cole looking out the small window. I’d never expected to just _find him_ since I was used to him showing up out of nowhere. But he must have realized just how much I disliked being snuck up on. Looking at him, I realized that he knew what had happened to me as well.

“May I help you, Cole?” I wondered.  
“He won’t hate you,” he told me as he looked at me.  
“What?”  
“Cullen won’t hate you after what you have just given him.”  
“What have we said about reading my mind?”  
“Your voice is loud, lamenting, uneasy to ignore. You are in pain, but at the same time...you are not...? I...I don’t understand.”  
I sighed. “Cole...”  
“You want to forget, but you don’t want to at the same time. Every day, you wish to forget more and more.”

He had mentioned that before, that I wanted to forget but that I really didn’t. But this time he was hitting it right on the nose -- the longer the breach was in the sky, the more I thought about what was happening at home. It wouldn’t be too long until word reached my father that I was no longer under the protection of Madame de Fer. Anyone could join the Inquisition if they had the right skills. Dorian’s father was going to find out about him eventually, too. We were both more likely to be found out because we were both from Tevinter. I didn’t ever want to think of home, but it was becoming impossible. I could only hope that if my father sent someone to retrieve me, Lavellan wouldn’t let them take me.

“It is not as simple as you make it sound,” I said. “I am sorry, Cole, but I would like to be alone right now.”  
“You should go down to the courtyard,” he suggested before vanishing.

I sighed and folded my arms across my chest. Then it dawned on me. If he was suggesting that I head back outside, then that had to mean... I ran out onto the battlements and looked at the entrance to Skyhold. Just as I had suspected. I ran down the stairs and in the direction of the gates.

“Gaish!” I shouted excitedly.

My brother was the first to pull me into a tight hug. I was so glad he was okay. Even if he wasn’t going to stay permanently, it was good knowing that he would be in the hold for a while. I stepped away from him and looked up at him. Unlike our brothers, Gaish and I were the only one to have the cursed green eyes. He had left home unharmed, but of course went home often to see how I was doing. When everything began, he only had suspicions. Nothing would happen to me while he was around because I would follow him around like a puppy and he slept in my room. He never fully understood why I did these things until Dorian took me to him.

“Are you alright?” he asked. “Nothing bad has happened?”  
“There is a hole in the sky, brother,” I replied. “But I am doing better now that you are here.”  
“Let me tell you, when I heard you were with the Inquisition, it was a relief. There is much more protection here than in Val Royeaux.”  
“Let us go sit and talk in the garden.”  
“First I need to speak with a woman named...Josephine, I believe. You go on ahead and I will meet you there.”

He hugged me again after I told him where to go, and I headed off to the garden. I knew he wasn’t going to stay forever, but at least he was where I knew he could be safe. He probably wanted to get home to his wife and yet, even though the scouts had said I was safe and sound, he decided to make sure I was fine himself. I wasn’t going to complain, either -- I loved my brother and after he had left Val Royeaux I missed him so much.

Cassandra found me in the garden. She didn’t look angry or anything of the sort, but by the expression on her face I was able to tell that she wanted to speak with me. I still needed to speak to her about the Inquisitor’s behaviour, but it had kept slipping my mind. Maybe we could go over it before Gaish found his way to the garden.

“How can I help you, Cassandra?” I asked.  
“I am told your brother has arrived,” she replied, taking a seat across from me.  
I smiled. “Yes; he is just with Josephine now.”  
“And...he is a mage just like you?”  
“Of course. He will not harm anyone. You can stop worrying.”  
“I apologize; I did not mean...” She sighed. “Well...”

I waved her question about Gaish off and folded one of my legs over the other. Gaish and I were no strangers to the glances or the whispers -- at least she was the kind of person to voice her concerns to my face and not to someone else.

“How have things been with Lavellan?” I wondered. “He is, er...”  
“I am aware of the way he has been treating everyone,” she admitted. “I must confess that I cannot seem to get through to him.”  
“Is he treating you well?”  
“Of course he is, but it should not just be me.”  
“I have already voiced my concerns to him, so perhaps if more people did so he would stop behaving that way. I thought that maybe things were not going so well in your relationship, but now it just sounds to me that the title of Inquisitor has gone to his head.”  
“He has everyone depending on him. It is stressful, I suppose.”  
“That does not mean he should abuse his power like that. I have been around enough power hungry people, mages and not, to understand they do the things they wish merely because they can.”  
“Oh.”  
“Not many people know of my past for a very good reason, Cassandra. I can only hope Lavellan stops this attitude before it is too late.”

Cassandra took her leave. It wasn’t too long until Gaish found his way to me. At least he was able to walk freely throughout the hold without the curse making people behave strangely toward him. I was both jealous of him and happy for him. It had never exactly deterred him when it still plagued him and so it wasn’t much of a transition at all when it finally broke.

“It is a nice place you all have here,” he mentioned.  
“Much more spacious than Haven,” I replied. “Chess? What is our score?”  
“I have six wins and you have seven. Let us see if we can even that out.” Gaish set up the pieces on the board. “I am told that Dorian is here as well. You must be happy about that.”  
“Very.”  
“You look well. Have you been eating alright?”  
“I do not eat much, as always, but I have been eating a little bit more each day. Before you ask, my sleep is not better.”  
“I can see that. You look exhausted.”

We played in silence for a while, just concentrating on the game. I was waiting for him to ask “that question”. I didn’t know if I was just scared he wouldn’t understand or if I was scared because of what I was. The topic of romance had always been a sore one. Each time he came home to see me, he’d ask if there was someone “special” in my life and it didn’t get any better once our father heard him asking me such. That just made my home life worse. The answer had been Dorian one time, before I even knew he preferred the company of men. Well, not like Magister Assanius would allow such a marriage to slip through his fingers, but it still made him angry that Gaish would dare ask me if I had anyone in my life.

“So...” Gaish said with a long sigh. “It has been a while since I have asked, but there is a hold of plenty different kinds of people and I am guessing Dorian is the only pompous one.”  
“He may be pompous, but he is kind,” I reminded him.  
“Yes, but what I am asking is--”  
“Most people here are not affected. There are some men and women, some elves and a Qunari who are affected, but most of them stay out of my way. But there is...someone...I fancy and he fancies me, too. Well, I hope he still does after reading my files.”

Gaish didn’t look too happy that I’d given someone a book of my life. I looked at him and then down at the chess board. If there was one thing he couldn’t understand, it was all the abuse I endured growing up. He could try to sympathize all he wanted, but he would never be able to fully comprehend how it still affected me. Five years of being free and I still had the nightmares, the paranoia, and the memories. While he was off marrying an Orlesian, I was trapped in the family home.

“It would not be right of me to hide the things that happened, Gaish,” I said, my voice shaking, as I moved a pawn across the board. “At least not from someone I like so much.”  
“You are right,” Gaish replied. “Tell me about him, then.”  
“He is Ferelden, but he spent time in Kirkwall and witnessed the beginning of the rebellion. I know he, too, has seen and experienced some very frightful things.”  
“What do you mean he ‘spent time’?”  
I hesitated to answer, but did so anyway. “He used to be a Templar.”

Gaish took a deep breath in, closed his eyes, and leaned back in his chair. I knew my brother and that reaction meant he was thoroughly disappointed. Never mind Cullen was Ferelden or that he went through bad things like me, but he was a retired Templar and that was a large red flag for Gaish. I set my hands down in my lap and stared at the chess board. The treatment mages received, both inside and outside of the circle, wasn’t lost on me. Being a mage from Tevinter, I knew it all too well. The only reason Madame de Fer took me under her wing was because I, apparently, showed promise. Still, the Orlesians, those who weren’t affected by the curse, stuck their noses up at me and spoke ill of me.

“Valora, that is very--” he began.  
“I did not expect it, either,” I interrupted, looking at him again.  
“What if he is just being--”  
“He is not. I learned how to tell if someone is under the curse or not, and he is not. He was able to tell me what he liked about me on the inside.”  
“I certainly hope you know what you are doing.”  
“Allow me to choose whether I wish to be with someone or not. I did not have a choice in my upbringing, or being under Madame de Fer’s wing, or living in Orlais -- I did not even choose to be here. I only stayed because it is the right thing to do in these trying times. And I especially do not want for you to speak with him.”  
“Alright, but...a _Ferelden_?”  
“You married an Orlesian, brother. They are more pompous than even Dorian. Elena is of the select few who are actually kind.”  
***

“Where were you this morning?” Gaish asked as he sat next to me in the food hall.  
“With Dorian,” I admitted.

There really wasn’t anywhere for Gaish to sleep comfortably in the hold, and so he had ended up sleeping in my bed. I would have slept next to him all night, but my dreams became so incredibly bad that I needed to go find Dorian. At least then I was able to get some decent sleep.

“Sorry if I worried you.” I pushed my eggs around my plate. “There is a lot on my mind.”  
“I still have yet to meet this Templar.”  
“ _Ex_ -Templar. _Ex_. And he spends most of his time in his office. He is the military advisor after all; now with my files and all the work he has to do, I doubt he will be coming down to eat.”  
“Well, you must eat.”  
“Forgive me, but I really do not have much of an appetite this morning.”  
“Are you ill?”

Gaish put the back of his hand on my forehead and I immediately shrugged him off. Just because I didn’t feel like eating it didn’t mean I was sick. I was worried; that was all. I should have just told Cullen what happened to me rather than giving him my file. I’d only given him more work on top of all the work he already had to do.

“Excuse me,” I sighed, frustrated.

I went to the kitchen and gathered up some food for Cullen before heading to the battlements. In his room, however, I discovered that he wasn’t even awake. He’d dragged a chair to his desk and it appeared that he had fallen asleep reading my files. Cullen had managed to get through most of it, too, which led to me to believe he had stayed up reading for most of the night. I set the food down onto his desk with a sigh.

“Cullen?” I whispered. “Cullen.”

If it were anyone else, I would just let them sleep. But if Cassandra or Leliana walked in on him sleeping, they wouldn’t just simply let it go. I wasn’t sure how to wake him up, however. I didn’t want to startle him but I also didn’t want to seem like I didn’t care enough that he was sleeping when he should have been working.

“Cullen,” I whispered a bit more firmly.

I began to shake him ever so slightly and that immediately woke him up. Even if I wanted to be careful, he was still quite startled and even went so far as to begin to unsheathe his sword. I jumped out of fright when he got up so suddenly. He wasn’t even able to get his sword out since he saw it was only me.

“Sorry,” he said.  
“It was my fault,” I replied. “Do not worry yourself about it. I-I brought you some breakfast. Are you alright?”  
“Yes. I... Yes. Thank you. I was just...” He looked down at his desk and then back to me, “reading...”  
“I did not mean for you to read it all at once.”  
“Would you like it back? I suppose I have read everything you deem important.”  
“Do you believe you have everything that you think is important? There are things in there that even I do not know about.”

Cullen sighed and looked back at the book. After a moment, he picked it up and closed it. It took him a moment to hold it out to me, but even then I hesitated to take it back. My stomach was beginning to hurt from all the worry, the anxiety, that perhaps he no longer thought good of me. Whether what had happened was my fault or not, I would understand if Cullen didn’t want to pursue his feelings anymore. Even if Cole told me that he wouldn’t hate me, I still couldn’t help but thinking that there was a sliver of possibility Cullen would hate me.

“Okay,” I said, swallowing hard.

I took the book back and held it to my chest. Cullen probably knew more about me now than I even knew about myself. If he wasn’t going to like me anymore, then I could at least hope he understood why I was afraid to tell him I liked him in the first place. I’d not been exactly afraid of hearing him saying that he did like me; I had been afraid of what telling him such things from my past would entail.

“I will just...return this to Leliana,” I choked out.  
“Valora.” Cullen grabbed my arm as I turned to leave. “You have nothing to worry about, not from me.”  
“If you are going to pity me, please do not do that.”  
“Of course I won’t. The things you endured and what you may still feel from them are not your fault. If I gave you a feeling that I would think of you differently, then please tell me.”  
“You did not. It is just me being afraid, that is all, and my brother does not approve of my being enthralled by someone who used to be a Templar.”  
“I thought that would be a secondary concern to being a Ferelden.”  
“That was his secondary, but he married an Orlesian, so he does not get to talk.”  
“Valora, I truly am sorry if I made you feel that you couldn’t tell me what happened. I-I understand why you did not -- how does anyone speak of what happened, but you do not need to be afraid of me. I know you are afraid and if you need more time--”

Leliana abruptly opened the door. Now that she was there, I handed her my files back.

“The Inquisitor needs us in the war room,” she said, tucking the book beneath her arm.  
“Excuse us,” Cullen said quietly.  
“Valora, while you are here, I suggest you make sure you are stocked up on your health potions and lyrium.”


End file.
